2016 - Self Reflection

                I’m sitting here at my cubicle, looking outside my office, staring at the glistening droplets of rain on the window. It’s bright outside, yes, at the same time, it’s very gloomy. I’m also currently listening to a loop of piano playlist on my Spotify, in exchange for some peace of mind. Today, as usual, just like every other year, I feel like it’s a great time for me to do some self-reflection. It is the end of 2016 and we will be welcoming a new year very soon (in another 12 days).

                I will be honest, my 2016 hasn’t been that good and hasn’t been that bad either, in personal life, in work life, in social life. I would have to say, it’s balance. Not sure if this is because of my age, that I’m getting old and that I think I can handle life better (what the f is this bullshit?), but I think it’s more of the experience that we’ve all gone through in life that taught us so many things and that contributes to the patience and the perseverance, and that of what we are built today. Anyway, this will be a very long entry (worth the 6 months since I neglected this blog ahahaha!)

1)      Personal life

Life has been great. Ups and downs, what’s new? Nothing much achieved in terms of goal, but we have moved to a new place and we bought a new car, monster truck and named it Black Hayate Go (as in 5).

This year, I have lost my Grandmother. She passed away in July. I managed to see her and spent some time before her in May. I still can’t get over the lost. However, life goes on. My best friend lost her father, my mom’s best friend lost her husband. Friends and family mourning over losses. Let’s be thankful we are all still alive. Value and treasure every single day and every single person we love.

I have to be honest, my husband and I have been married for 2 years plus now and of course, we would love to have kids. We have thought about it however, realistically, we have not really put MUCH thought into it. We are more of those people who, if God grants us, we will accept it with open arms and heart. I’m glad my husband, as well as my family and in laws are understanding of this and let our decisions be ours and not determined by what other people want. Sometimes, you can’t stop people from talking about it, showing how “concern” they are that you are not carrying around an extra bag full of milk and diapers, but hey, you keep your hands off my business and we will still be friends okay?

Health wise, not really looking so bright. I know it, I’m trying to be healthy, at the same time, my determination is like those French butter in the sun. It melts quickly you don’t even know it was there in solid form. We are now staying at a place with gym and a 50m pool. But, still, I have no time for this. (You see why now?) Will definitely make do all my wasted days fat-ting myself. (yes, fat-ting is now a word) I keep saying I want to have a Journal on weight loss etc. But Bullshit. Let’s not make any promises and see what’s going to happen. This will also determine

2)      Work life

Work sucks beginning of the year. I did a lot of work for people and not being rewarded as promised, this made me think people suck. I almost gave up on this place, until I had the opportunity to move to a new team, new work and a more challenging setting. I’ve given opportunity to do things that I’ve never done before. Spread my knowledge and horizon to a new level. Learn so many things I’ve never thought I would be able to do. Things are going great so far, and hopefully, I will get better opportunity next year.

3)      Social life

I went to watch WEEZER! My childhood dream. One of my favourite band that I grew up listening to (and what makes me, ME). Rivers Cuomo was 10m away from me and I’m satisfied. Come on, be thankful for what you get. Don’t be a bitch about it :D

Most importantly, I get to see Weezer performed Buddy Holly, El Scorcho and Only In Dreams, with my best friend, Momo. Life’s good.

I see friends (outside of work) more often. People I know that I rarely see, I get to see them more now. At least, I try to live outside of my normal life. I just hate to social with people who talk about milk bottles, diapers and poop ALL THE TIME. Come on, you know I don’t have kids and I don’t know shit about things you talk about. I wish these people would be more respectful and sensitive of other people. Look, I like you and your kid, but if you keep on yapping about them on Whatsapp or everytime I see you, that’s it man. Forget we ever met.

Though so, I accept ideas, suggestions (not judgements. Suggestions) and also appreciate friends who lend their ears to listen to what I have to say about all this. LOLs. To those friends that come over to hang out at our place, and stayed til dawn to play games, gossip and have intellectual talks, thanks guys! I love you guys!

Wow. So much of self-reflection. As always, I thought it’s useless to do more resolutions if the last ones were never fulfilled.

The Truth Behind a Façade

Ramadhan is a holy month for us Muslims and this is the time, most of us (if not all) will be doing our very best to surrender ourselves to kindness, humbleness, patience and endurance and most of all to God. Some, will practice all good deeds religiously, which is, of course, a good thing. However, come end of Ramadhan, this will end too. Does this only apply to Ramadhan and if so, what happens to the normal days of our life? Is this all an act? Are we acting all holier-than-thou just because it’s the holy month?

I’m not the most pious person out there, heck, I’m just a humble servant of God who is not whole and is still searching for guidance to lead this life to the right path. And I, a puny human being have no rights to say my thoughts out loud on this matter. However, the existence of social media has made us all the victim of being judgmental.

Even severe injury from a blade cannot compare to the pain produce by the sharpness of these 10 fingers of ours and the verbal torture from these lips. Other parts of the body move faster than the brain and the desire to be known and to show-off the high level of idiocy intelligence is beyond how much most of us can comprehend. Let’s walk through some scenarios that we sometimes encounter during this month.

Let’s go back to the first day of this year’s fasting month, where Pumpkin was involved in a self-accident while on the way back to our home from work. He fell off his bike because the car in front of him stopped abruptly. He didn’t hit the car but he fell on his own (yes, due to inertia). The driver got out of the car, walked towards him and started spouting rude words, telling him if he was stupid or if he was blind. What? Not even helping him up from his falling position, words spilling out of his mouth was nonsense.  And this guy, ladies and gentlemen, was wearing a kopiah, on the first day of Ramadhan. Probably on his way to break-fast and tarawih. What happened to compassion?

Next, the things people write on the Internet/Facebook/Twitter during fasting month when it is a bothering factor to them, are mostly mean stuff, but on a more subtle wave. (Myself included). What is this patience and endurance we are talking about? Did we really “try” to practice it just because it’s fasting month? Does that mean, we can revert back to being mean AFTER Ramadhan?

The face you carry during this month is all glowing and full of light. Once you see a spot of bother (e.g. a girl with short skirt who walks in a Surau to pray), your mind automatically produce mean thoughts and you start gossiping with your friends. “OMG, wearing that kind of outfit and then praying? What was she thinking, not respecting the religion blablabla…” So, who is standing at the wrong side now?

Again, I’m not the one to talk as I’m not perfect and in the state of  “under-construction”. But people, really? What is Ramadhan to you?

I’ll observe myself after this and monitor all the violations I have done to myself in Ramadhan.

Happy fasting people.

2012, I Welcome You With Open Heart!

Hey hey hey!!! look who's coming baby?! it's 2011 in the house!!! and our guest 2012 who will be "hosting" our life for the whole year of next year. I have to say it's kinda idd for me today, blogging from my phone coz i kinda forgot that it was like a ritual for me to do an entry every last morning of the year.

So, forgive all the misspelling and the odd looking spacing coz im not use to this. Anyway, New Year's Resolution. Hmm, let's review what I've achieved for the whole year of 2011. I believe, 2011 has been a wonderful year for me. Although I faced little hiccups along the way, all has been good. I've been given opportunities to strive, to change a stagnant position and to choose a path of a better life.

As I stride along the early quarter, I faced the most challenging part of living. A task to choose between a full gain or a complete loss. A risk to be taken and to be responsible for the outcome. And once again, God has given me the best gift I've ever had. I know I deserve this because I worked hard for it.

I'm not gonna dwell much on whatever you know. So, like I always say "Look Forward". I'm sure 2012 will be a better one. If I'm lucky and if you're lucky and if God wills it, i just might say hello to marriage! Hahaha!!! So let's pray for best! Strive for the best! And do our best for next year.

2012 I welcome you with open heart!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY AND GOD BLEAA!!

sincerely,

Eru.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

September 28th 1984 marked the beginning of the journey of life for a little baby girl, who was then name unknown. According to a very reliable source, it was approximately half an hour after 1 on a Friday afternoon when the baby first saw light and was born into this cruel, little world. Fortunately, the little girl was given life and was given a chance to live although surviving the first few months was difficult for her. Getting her little feet punctured everyday to get blood samples, getting fried under the morning sun and getting "artificially" tanned under the yellow bulb with high voltage just to keep the bilirubin level at normal state wasn't what she asked for or what she expected in life....

But oh well, what am I whining about. It's been 27 years since that happened. Happy belated birthday to me!!! It was a wonderful birthday. I get to celebrate it with my speacial someone this year. Been 7 years since the last time. Well, let's break down the birthday blog to 2 :D (I have a feeling it's going to be a long one =_=)


THE NOT-SO-FUN PART * A self realization theory and a path to change *:
So the first thing that roamed my mind when I woke up on September 28th 2011 was, "God still wants me to live! I've been given another opportunity to change my life" And then it occured to me, "What have I achieved in this 27 years? All life wasted? How about the past 5 years?" I realized something. I've achieved nothing. Nothing at all. At least to me, I've achieved nothing. I have dreams and goals. I want to achieve everything before I'm 30. Dream job, dream house, dream car, travel around the globe, a husband, kids. A normal but good life. After 27 years, I still have no freedom to do things that I want to do. I know what are the restrictions, but I can't do anything about it. It just sucks! But why complain? It's life. As much as you think you're living a shitty life, there are others who are living like shit. When I think I hit rock bottom, my righteousness crumbled. I suffocate. I think of nothing but dying, thinking that it would be easier
this way. Come on, seriously, once in a while people do have suicidal thoughts but then it was just fucking wrong. At least, we are reminded of death. Right. I am such an ass when it comes to struggling. I wondered what happened to the little baby who struggled so hard because she wanted to live so bad?

And so, Pumpkin and I watched the movie 'Bridesmaid' on my birthday. Although it's a normal chick flick, that movie changed my perspective in how I myself look at life itself. Like I said, I always think I'm living a shitty life. I think, life is mistreating me. I think I'm cursed. I always have the thoughts that, well, (I know this sounds soooo very wrong and sinful) God somehow, dislikes me. Whatever bad things around me was because, it's fated to be that way. I brainwashed myself into thinking that "It's meant to be. So I'm cursed". Oh yes, I emit negative aura and I suck it in again. It's been an endless loop for me. So, while watching Bridesmaid, I felt pity towards the main character. Her life was shitty! I hate everything about what I'm currently doing. At least, I wasn't unfortunate to be terminated and left on the sidewalk. I just didn't work
hard enough to change it. I knew it, yet, I did nothing. Or everything I did was just 'chutto hanpa'.

So after a self-realization, I decided to push myself to the limit. I mean, to the good stuff of course. LOL. This has to be a promise to myself. :D


THE VERY FUN STUFF * I am loved..... * :
My parents are not with me for my birthday this year. BUT...I get to celebrate it with someone special. My dearest Pumpkin. The day started with him picking me up from my house and sending me to work. Well, say hello to "I feel like an Ojousama". I got a gazillion (Ok, i lied. not a gazillion maybe about 70++) notifications on my Facebook. Birthday wishes from friends and relatives. Well, thank you Facebook for making people don't actually remember your birthday, instead depending on your notification. LOL. I took a half day that day and went back at 11:45am. Pumpkin picked me up from the station and then in the afternoon we went for lunch at Bumbu Desa ( Yes, I picked the place because i was craving for Authentic Indonesian Cuisine). Pumpkin wanted Tony Romas though =_= but, well, it was my birthday so I get to pick the place. Miahahaha.

The return-to-sender Sketchie. Returned full of love :D

Mom called me up at about 1:41pm because she said, the baby would be cleaned and dressed by this time on September 28th, 1984. LOL. She would never call me earlier than 1:30pm. Anyway, the first person who called me on my real birth time would be non other than my love <3 After Pumpkin, it was Momo. Awhhhhhhh (touched) Speaking of which, I would like to thank those who texted me on my birthday. It shows their sincerity. Namely, Chrys (even before 12AM of 28th with the excuse she might fall asleep) LOL. Nisa, who remembers too! And an unknown number. Thank you , whoever you are!

The ice cream cake at Baskin!!! Thank you dearest!!!

Later on, we went to the movies and also karaoke. In the evening, we celebrated my birthday at Baskin! Ice cream cake!!!!! :D I feel so loved~ After eating half of the cake at Baskin, we went back to my place with some cupcakes! Played with dry ice and created "magic" cup, then later on watched Juno. It was a wonderful birthday. Pumpkin made me feel 10 years younger!

The magic cup :D

Oh, so I thought it ended there. I was wrong. He called me up later and sang Nat King Cole - L.O.V.E. over the phone. * dies * Thank you Love for everything

Thank you everyone for the wishes and prayers.

Last but not least, for me, I guess my theme song for this birthday is by Muse - Invincible. It sorta lifted my spirit to not ever give up and to fight and turn around my shitty life into a better one! The lyrics especially. TT______TT Thank you Muse!!


Invincible by Muse

Venting =_=

I'm not gonna deny how screwed up of a person I am. It's when I'm really in deep shit, only will I think of God. Not that I don't have Him in my mind and heart. Well, you know what I mean. For those who read this and think they are like me, well, we are human, as long as we realized it, we're ok. For those who read this and think they are not like me (which means, you think you're superior, awesome and pious) well, good for you, may you be like that for the rest of your life. Now, how many of you think life is unfair (ah... no need to throw popcorn)

They say, God gives you challenges and difficulties in life only when He knows that you can handle it. How and what you should do depends on you. Sometimes (most of the time, I mean) I can handle it well. But a triple combo buried me deep into the ground, I think it will take some time for me to get up and start walking again. Most of the time I feel used and abused. Sometimes, I feel blessed with people I have around me who supports me in everything I do and back me up when ever I'm in deep shit.

Sometimes, we can't stop people from labelling us or thinking we're some kind of an alien. It's what they call "Freedom of Speech". I was once called a "Venusian" by an unidentified microorganism (who isn't so human himself... jeez.. ). Sometimes I wonder, what I did wrong, so bad that it seems like the whole universe is going against me. (oh well =_= i think everybody feels the same. ) I've never felt so much hate and discrimination against me before. Who am I to complain when I have nothing at all and I'm just a mere human being who isn't as great as any other I know.

I'm not asking to be defended because I don't think I did anything wrong that I need someone to defend me. If God wanted me to be born this way, then does anyone has the right to question God's will?
If you question what is written in the book of fate, doesn't that make you go against God? I'm very disappointed, sad and depressed with the whole situation and I don't usually bother about it, but this time, it's a big thing for me.

Btw, on an unrelated matter, after 26 years, my mom still doesn't understand me. I'm disappointed. But well, by saying this, it must have sounded like I'm that kind of kid, you know. The Bad Kid Who Is Never Thankful For Everything She Got. blegh. See how people judge, from the outside. They never ask! They Assume. Now you wanna ask about the reason behind the rapid increase in statistics of educated individuals in mental institutions or suicidal cases in the world? You should know the answer already. Because no one listens.

Well I have to agree with the counter measure people take in avoiding these kind of cases like having those 1-800-call-me-if-u-feel-like-jumping-off-a-building care-line. But, what these people need is to talk and understood by people they love.

(Just to be clear,This is NOT a suicide note =_=) But I do feel like cutting it short is the simplest way to forget everything. More like, not living at all. Like Freddie said "Mama.... I don't wanna die, but sometimes wish I've never been born at all"

You've never heard of Green Day (LOL. Good Riddance is a song)

THIS POST IS LONG OVERDUE =_=

It kinda surprised me that some people think of themselves as God. Okay maybe the way I put it sounds wrong. Put it this way. It kinda surprised me that some people just can't forgive. Some people think the world revolves around them not the other way around. Some people can hate others like it's their job. Some people are so sexist that they didn't even realize they are born from a mother, which is a woman. Some people are... ( creatures unclassified).

This is not a rage post, it should be categorized under "Realization and Respect".

Lately, I've been busy living the best out of life and yes, I have found my source of happiness (omedetou soshite, omedetou to me). And God knows what I have to go through to achieve this. In the process, I've been heartbroken, crushed, re-lived, crushed again for many, many times and yet, it's the same person that I almost gave up upon that made me happy til today (thank you dear =)). Somehow, as we gain, we lost. I lost a friend along the way (well, if you put it in a way that won't sound mean, this person was a friend, at least, I thought he was).

I've always thought a person who talks shit about others by not confronting them are fuckers and has no balls (if he is a male, and not a she-male, that is). I also hate people who talk shit about other people in their blog and tell "unfortunate" tales about themselves by vomiting vulgar words and playing "victims" in the eyes of people who don't know them. But most of all, I hate people who are cowards and can only yap in the back but turn into dried plums when confronted. No. More like, running with their tail between their legs.

So this one person (non existence?) talked about "that certain someone" in his blog twice. TWICE. yeah, talk about being clingy and all (told u he still sayang you, dear. LOL. J/K) Was he that upset about "that certain someone"? if he is, then why not tell him in his face?! Coz blogging about it doesnt help, really. Talking shit about others behind their back only happens in high school, between 14 years old GIRLS. Also, if you don't like/ don't favour "that certain someone", you don't go deleting others that are associated with them, if you think the others are your friends. Wait, you don't have friends do you? Because you hate humans? Oh, and you also hate FEMALES because we're from VENUS, right, we're aliens. How can I forget that fact! D:

So this Non-Existence, thought of me as a friend, but not anymore. Because I'm in a relationship with "that certain someone" and he said, I showed him the side of me that he doesn't know. hahahahahaah!!!! Which side of me DO YOU KNOW? Did you even know me at all? This is so funny really, it all started that particular day. If I remember what happened that day....

1) Non-Existence called me the night before "that certain someone" asked me out and asked me why I agree to meeting with "that certain someone" when i hate "that certain someone" so much. Here's news for you Non-Existence, I FORGIVE PEOPLE ALTHOUGH THEY DID SHIT TO ME BECAUSE I'M NOT GOD AND I'M A MERE HUMAN BEING. I can't judge people and decide they are scums like you did.

2) I showed up at a certain cafe with "that certain someone" and didn't know Non-Existence was there. And according to some ppl who were there, he KNEW "that certain someone" was coming so he waited. Question: If you HATE "that certain someone", then why did you wait for his arrival? Because you loved him so much that you wanna create a shoujo manga scene and make me look like I'm the bitch who stole your boyfriend? Because u wanna play victim? Because U wanna be Ts-Tsu-Tsundere?! YOU FAIL! He stormed out of the cafe and he didn't even talk to me.

3) Non-Existence blocked me from Twitter and also others who are associated to me and "that certain someone" because he was heartbroken wait, wait he thinks he is Zeus and can erase ppl from the surface of the Earth. But of course, he can dream that doesn't sound right either. Because He IS AND EMOTARD. Come on, I'm not surprised anymore. This is not the first time he blocked me from Twitter. Friends don't do that. Scums and assholes do. If you think of me as a friend, you should talk to me instead of coming up with your bloody idea of "She's a bitch and she's in a relationship with the guy that I hate. So I hate her too". Don't pass judgement like you're a God.

By the way, you don't have to hide behind the Internet to talk shit about me or anyone. Just tell me to my face. You put the word "fuck" next to my name. You said you HATE me. Oh well. And Oh, why did u think I'm using this method as well, because I just wanna know how scums like you think. Now I realize, YOU DON'T THINK! Your mouth/hands move before your Brain does.

Last but not least,

Dear Non Existence, you just became a girl. Congratulations. Make a contract with Kyuubey (wait, wha-?)

AFT: Away From Twitter

So I have been missing from the Internet world for a bit. =_= This time, I took a break from Twitter. Unbelievable, I know. Hahaha. I used to have this "can't live without Twitter" thing but it faded. "Why?" I wonder. Twitter is addictive, I know. To me, my everyday routine would be to say "Ohayou!" to all my followers on Twitter, and that is the first thing I'll do even before I brush my teeth in the morning. And then, I'd be replying mentions (overdue would be at least within 12 hours =_=) or DMs. All day long, I'd be spouting sh*t on things I'd do and did or posting pictures but mostly spouting sh*t on Twitter. And of course, I'd say "Oyasumi" when I wanna go to bed or at least when I'm not sleeping on the keyboard (and have 'A' 'S' 'D' 'F' on my face in the morning). And for as long as it lasted, I got use to this life and it wasn't bad at all. Somehow, since last week, I sort of, got bored(?) no, that's not the word, more like I don't feel like going on Twitter. I don't wanna read stuff on Twitter because they make me go asdf for no reason at all D: and some things reminded me of stuff that shouldn't be happening at all.

Some reasons might be things like "I don't wanna read nonsense" or "stuff on Twitter makes me asdfasdf all the time" but everybody posts nonsense on Twitter and you can't help but be asdfied by it. Maybe I should specifically say stuff like "I don't wanna read nonsense from certain people, or a certain somebody". Then you will come up with stuff like "Just block/mute them" :3 I can't. Because my followers and the people I'm following are important to me. Maybe I'm trying my best to avoid some things. Things I couldn't say because it's too personal :3 Or maybe I'm just avoiding some people. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know why exactly.

Being too focused on it makes me feel like my life only revolves around it. It's as if I have no real life to run and my life runs on the computer. Not to mention I have to look at the computer almost 20hrs a day. like FUCK. Seriously, before there was Twitter (or the thing the call social networks), there's this thing called cellphones. And I was seriously satisfied with just text message alerts. But now, my phone doesn't rang as much and I don't often get text messages because ppl Tweet! D: And I check Twitter every second of the day, well, I used to D: (and I'm not that free... but then?! D: Naze? Naze na no? Naze na no yooooo???) I just can't get away from it! Oh just to add to that, Social Networks kill real friendships.

What makes me feel worse is, I'm pretty busy with work and all and when I come home every night, I see no one at home. Just furnitures. D: And what's the first thing I would do when I reach home? Login to Twitter and type "Tadaima". OTZ.... Yeah. That's when foreveralone.jpg comes in as a 15mb picture. Dinner? How about dinner you ask? Don't you go out with friends, you ask? Well, Dinner is : 1-300-88-6555(Nando's) or 1-300-888-333(Domino's) D: Everyone has their own life to run.

As complicated as it sounds, the easiest way to solve this is to... well, avoid it. To run away from it. To treat it as if it never existed! (OK. this is impossible). Re-evaluate my life. Set my priorities. I'm not 17! I'm 17 + 10!! D: And I have 1 grayhair! I know some ppl are worried about me because I suddenly disappear. I'm sorry guys, and don't worry about me. I'm fine. I just need time out. * hugs *

And to #Uchikazoku, Thank you for worrying about me, as the head of the family (cough) I'm sorry for disappearing without notice. I'll be back soon, I promise.

And to my friends: To those who texted my phone, you guys are the best! I get text message alerts! hahahahahaha!!! To those who constantly MSN-ing, gtalk-ing me to see if I'm ok, you guys are awesome. To those who asked around because they haven't seen me, you guys are great! Thank you.

To those who didn't even realize I've been missing, thanks for making me realize I'm not an important existence in you life. Arigatou, soshite arigatou.

P/s: Being away from Twitter is calming :3

x(restrictionsucks)+ y(a gazillion of unhappy things) / 0(1 happy thing)

Kids: Learn the formula in life

ASDFIED = x(restrictionsucks)+ y(a gazillion of unhappy things) / 0(1 happy thing)

Hello World?!: Restrictions? This is the gdamn 21st Century!

It's almost a week since kuso kaisha banned a lot of sites including * clearsthroat * echofon-ing. I mean, I do have another option, which is my phone, demo... chotto mendokusai na.. It's troublesome to switch from doing work on the laptop and then using the phone to reply all the mentions (or to vent anger/emo-ness) I feel dead. ( oh you must be wondering why i like to use the word "Dies" "Dead" lately. Hmm... no particular reason, except, try listening to Dream Theater's "The Spirit Carries On". You'll understand.)

I used to be frightened of dying. I used to think death was the end. But that was before, I'm not scared anymore. I know that my soul will transcend.

If I die tomorrow, I'll be alright because I believe that after we're gone, the spirit carries on.

Pfft. Ok. sounds so cult-y. But anyway, I wonder why they have to do these kind of things. We're not fucking kids! Let me tell you what I think, I think it made me less productive, more stressed and freaking feel like smashing my laptop! (PFT! It's just FUCKED UP you know. I just saw Hades checking out Channel V Asia for celebs news. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?!) These unfairness has gone too far. RESTRICTION in 'Hell' is not all about SITES. It's about fucking everything. Even day offs!

ASDF Level: 10/10


Hello Doomsday: Part I: In Deep Shit

Earth Hour Gig. Yes. Awesomeness. Just so happen that I'll be in Kuching that weekend. Dented is going to perform for that gig! YEAH! It's been years since my last gig. Yon, Go nen gurai? The songs that we're gonna perform are these 4:

1. D City Rock - PSG OST
2. I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams - Weezer
3. (have yet to decide on this ) maybe lostphropets - last summer
4. Somewhere Over The Rainbow (Dented Version - One of them has to be Environment related song)

I'll be playing guitar for this Dented: Formation B gig. THE THING IS, I don't have a guitar to practice with and I barely have the time to. So I've been practicing on my HD Desire. Yeah, it is stupid. Don't ask. Don't even wonder. Which reminds me, I need to get a new bass. Oh, btw, the gig will be next week. Welcome To Hell.

ASDF Level: 5/10

Hello Doomsday: Part II: Tha....na....thos.....

Do you know what this character stands for: 冥王? It means: Hades. LOL.
So many work lately. So little pay (I seriously think I'm underpaid). So little time.
Maa, work isn't really that bad. It's just, it's related to (refer first part of the post)

ASDF Level: 10/10

Hello Doomsday: Part III: Naze..? Naze na no??? NAZE NA NO YOOOOOOOOOO????!!!

My Demon Pet Hates Me. I don't know what i did though. OTZ...

ASDF Level: 8/10


Hello Rakuen: After we're gone, the spirit carries on

He said something that made me happy. although it's just a simple sentence and the thought of him having thoughts about me is just HNGGGGGGGGHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGH! (FINE. I'LL GET OVER IT) but let me stay happy for a bit, coz i know he didn't forget about me at least. The things I never thought he would do. =)))

ASDF Level: 1/10

Note: on a non-related subject, I've learned how to curse in Portuguese, thanks to my twin brother.

2010: The Review

Let's have a good new year's wish.

Although it's a bit late, (I wished solemnly before =_= Truly sorry about that) Here, from the bottom of my heart, I wanna wish everyone who reads my blog A VERY WONDERFUL NEW YEAR and hopefully the year 2011 will be a prosperous and blessed year for all of us. Thank you for reading. =) If I ever hurt anyone from January to December of 2010, please forgive me. Hahahaha!!! Let's start a new book shall we?

2010 ended pretty bad for me. Hahaha!! It was worse than 2009 and I took it really hard for ONE whole day (yeah.. no need to dwell too much on it) and then I was back in shape, not trying to be happy but AM HAPPY. Everything that happened in 2010 stays there. I don't wish to take it with me. All the good memories, the one person that almost changed my stoic self into a 'fuwa fuwa' person, and that same person who ripped me apart must be sealed.

The first half of 2010 was rather fast moving for me. Although overall, 2010 marked the year of being 'stagnant', some things did change in my life. The Second half of 2010 was much more fun but it went down in the slump in the end. I met lots of new people, made new friends and was involve in new activities. Now, i even think of cosplaying. LOL. I know, I know. I'm not all moe and cute. I'll cosplay as a monster, maybe *coughyukionnacough* =)

Here are my review on 2010:

- When 2010 started, I sort of 'quit' being a hikikomori and was more outgoing.
- I learned who were friends and who were foes.
- Was the year of MEN = JERKS
- Was also the year of 'there is no such thing as bestfriends'
- In 2010, there's a new trend called "BLOCK AND DELETE FRIENDS FROM SOCIAL NETWORK" Gosh. HOW CHILDISH.
- I learned that being FRIENDS have TERMS AND CONDITIONS. For example: I cannot ask questions FTW. Wait, then how do we fucking communicate? WTF O_O
- PEOPLE DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY. YES, THEY DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY.
- Have you checked the dictionary lately? I think they removed the word "PROMISE" * shrugs *
- People change like the weather. At least weather stays constant for a couple of days.
- I made a lot of friends through twitter. Good friends =) My Nyanmarus! My Olympians! My Noa and Nano-nee friends =) Comrades. Anime/Manga lovers. I also made friends with cosplayers. I also have twitter family now hahaha.
- Most of the people I met online and then later in real life are nice people.
- I was saved by someone I met from twitter
- I was also broken by the same someone I met from twitter =(
- Madarao Hakuroku, my beloved Prince Meow died TT_____TT on Oct 4th
- New nephew - Ryuusuke =)
- I also learned there is no such thing as Honesty. People wear facade all the time. ALL THE TIME.
- Everyone is selfish. Something I learned from 2010. Not that I wasn't aware of it before. I just don't want to know and accept the fact that everyone is selfish
- I completed my Samurai Deeper Kyo Manga Series!!! This should be on top =_=
- I've become less stoic and less ignorant than before. Maybe 5% less. That' an improvement

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all.

How did I end my 2010? With tears. I've reached my dateline of waiting for 'the one' to forgive me. Looks like I was never forgiven in the first place. What's the point of following me when you're not talking to me right? I decided to end everything as in I got the point that we no longer can be friends.

How did i start my 2011? With tears. I feel like I'm finally free. But I don't have to wear a facade. I know myself too well that I regret what I did. However, I don't want to be hurt anymore.

Although it hurts badly, this is the only thing I can do right now. He will never want to talk to me, he will never let me redeem myself, he will never give me a second chance and I will never know what I did so bad that he hated me to the extend that he won't forgive me.

Funny, I finally realized that I have feelings for him...
And it is a bit too late for that now...

!@#$%^&*

Do u know how it feels like being mindfucked everyday?

Try jumping off the nearest cliff.

Entropy at work: A good girl

Should post this to some weekly talent competition. LOL! THIS IS RANDOM!! Not related to anyone dead or alive. Thanks For Reading.

A good girl
by erma

A good girl will always smile to the things she adores

A good girl will know when to seek and when to ignore
A good girl will not let go easily
A good girl will pout when she misses that somebody
A good girl will do what it takes to win that someone's heart
A good girl will sulk for the reasons they had to be apart
A good girl will compromise and tolerate
A good girl will always believe in fate
A good girl will cry and then recover
A good girl will know when to say "It's over"
A good girl will nod when there is a good reason behind something
But a good girl is also a mere human being; a fragile little thing
A good girl will know when to quit, although it hurts and there is no cure to it
A good girl will know when to quietly leave, but stands tall to what she believes
Therefore a good girl needs a good man
The one she knows she wants to be with, the one who is able to withstand her, the only one who can

Fidelity

The 4 days away from the world was a total failure. =_= My part that is, but it seems like the world has no problem turning its back on me. * shrugs * So I consider myself on an "Under Construction" situation. I'm still seeking the right answer to all the questions that are in my head right now. Some I do know the answers, but I'm a weak little bastard (ain't never calling myself a bitch and I'm not a bastard so that doesn't count either) who is always in denial (see, not calling myself a bitch and stating 'bastard' makes the fact of being in denial clearer) O_O

So my mind has been in a mess lately. Ever since I'm sorta 'involving' myself with the thing called 'feelings' * barf * which I NEVER had. I repeat that;"NEVER". Well, if that is what they call 'feelings' well so be it. Come on, everyone knows Aki IS Stoic. I live accordingly to the thing called logic. And that's a fact. So I found out that I kinda... er ... am sorta (ok, I'm also thinking of how to actually 'express' or 'explain' this) got 'attached'(?) with some sort of a 'fiber-optic involvement'(?) no. Involvement is not the word. (still in denial eh?) Ok so I like somebody. There! I said it (with a strike-through). LIKE here refers to the type that makes u go gaga over everything. LOL!!!

I'm not sure if this thing is allowed. I'm not if I'm allowed to 'feel'. I mean. God gives us options. It really depends on us human. If i take it as positive as possible, will this be the right thing to do? Should I continue with having the thing they call 'feelings' which is currently intangible due to the fact that it's not physically possible and clearly not in front of my eyes? And the fact that I'm not sure what the other party is thinking because well, some people can change like the weather. Will I be able to live like this, when I keep hurting myself everyday and the fact that I actually am too close to this person would probably make this person feels like I'm invading their life? What am I to do then when I already know that somehow, this could be impossible?

I never liked anyone fully. I always do it halfheartedly because my 'logic' says "Hurt than be hurt". It seems like now, I'm having the reverse effect of my own logic. And fuck, it hurts like hell. I'm definitely contemplating this. I've been thinking about it. I either should stop the whole stabbing-the-heart-parade. OR. I could wait. If I wait, how much time can I give myself? Please God. I need an answer. T____T Well, truth be told. HE already did show me signs. I just need to be patient, that's all.

What Athrun Zala and I have in common

What is the most disturbing thing that bothers you in your entire life?

This is probably a general question. If you think it's boring, then stop reading. I'm sure everyone has their own odd answers with very odd but good reasons to what they are about to come up with. As for me, I find this one particular thing very disturbing. It hurts me entirely and I'm sure for me this is the only thing I (or maybe everyone) want to avoid of being or treated as. The one thing that bothers me the most in life is being a deuteragonist.

Although I'm not the type that really works her ass off to be the first in everything, at least to some people and some things which I think is important to me, I want to be first among others. Born in a small family as a SECOND child (also the youngest) doesn't give me any priority at all to being the first. As sad as how the story will go (oh gosh, here comes the emo Aki) being who and where I am today, doesn't change the fact that I am STILL, at least if not, the second in everything.

My brother, Kuro-nii is the first born son in the family. The first grandson. The first to get married. The first to have kids. The first to have the FIRST born son. Sigh. Ok, so that's how his book of life is written. Everyone should be happy about it right? And as for me, I do have some "First" of my own, which also contributed to some of the success stories in the family, but of course, it's not as significant. More like a "meh..." * shrugs * and the things that I achieved, will be seconded by others. And these clones actually did better, well, maybe close to it but not better.

As a normal human being who is self-conscious about everything and of the surroundings, I sometimes, no, most of the time, compare myself to almost everything and everyone. Some think, this is normal and healthy but we work our mind to the furthest extend. One can never be satisfied with what they have. So, I usually compare myself (or the love my parents give) to what my brother (and his family) receive. For example, Mom sometimes mistaken my sports day to Kuro-nii's. He did outshines everyone on the track and he was the "BEST" runner in both primary and secondary school. He always got FIRST in class. Unlike me, I don't run. I jump. The only sport I participated in primary school was long jump. And I got... THIRD. And Mom said, "Abang not only ran in school, I think he did long jump too". Well, he never did long jump. He only RUNS, MOM. =_= Sometimes, the smallest thing ruined my castle in the sky. Which made me come to the conclusion of not being loved by Mom and Dad. Okay, I know that sounded pathetic.

So, when I was in a relationship, I was also being treated as secondary to other things. Like WORK, for example. Did you know how much that hurts, to be compared to things. Intangible things. Also, to be forgotten.What of all the things and time I have sacrificed? (I'm gonna skip this part. I'm tearing up T___T)

I am not a good person and that's a fact. And I've always wanted to improve myself and not be stagnant. I am also human and fragile inside as a matter of fact. (I may be grunge on the outside. haha) So, I never dreamed of being the heroine in any movie or drama or anime or manga. I just want to be remembered. For who I am. For what I did. For what I have given. For some things and for some people that I adore, I just wish to be that one thing that at least to the point of importance, if not primary. But never a secondary below other things.

Responsibility and Realization: The part where somebody should act like their own age

So, this is how it feels like to be sleepless all day long with a kid kicking your back because she wants to sleep comfortably in your bed and after a long day of not eating and not sleeping and with so many things happening. Yes, this is how it feels.

It's almost 5am. I thought I'll just keep myself awake until it's dawn and then go for my usual morning run. I can't sleep because my niece is next to me kicking her way for ultimate comfort. Can't blame her. I bet yesterday was the longest day of her entire 3 years of life. The part where she had to follow her parents and move away from her beloved nenek and atok. The part where her father was falsely arrested and it was a really weird incident. The part where her mom had to deal with all the craziness with the extra 3kg in her tummy. Everything seems like a lie. Too bad it's reality.

How about the person who was dragged along? Does anyone ever thought of what they feel? I bet noone does. Because it's insignificant. The insignificant grew to be a necessary existence.

Getting into the Blues....

Oh No. (Oh yes!) I'm seriously into the "Seishun Banzai" mode. Been listening to Banjiya Blues (Gintama OST) the whole week. It's like a driver to depression and then to more hopeful future. I have to get out of here as soon as possible. I don't think I can take another second in this position. Unfortunately, something is very very wrong with me. I can't make a move. Rather, the 'move' is very very slow. Everytime I think about returning to the current position, I will feel like crying a river, no... a sea.

I don't know how it all begun but I know I hate to be here. Maybe when I heard those words from ano kuso yaro, maybe then the trigger was pulled. I know I've been clinging on the rope for so long but I can never decide whether I should let go or still hold on to it despite the pain. I know. I'm pretty pathetic. I don't need a reminder. Sometimes I think of why I'm still here. Eventhough I told myself to only give it another year. This time, I'm pretty sure I cannot take it anymore. My soul is definitely crumbling.

My heart is at my feet and I'm stepping on it

* typing ridiculous things because can't think straight *

I'm currently in a blank mode for I just did another unexpected and heartless thing but I guess on my side, I'm just doing myself a very, very, very big favour. I have to stop dreaming of wanting happiness the wrong way like doing things that don't give me any satisfaction. I'm just torturing my soul.

Believing is one thing. I honestly do give so much hope and faith to it, but things like this doesn't work one way. When I first decided on it, I knew it's too much to expect and I knew so well this is all bullshit.

I'm just way too complicated.

For that, I bid you farewell. This might really be the last time.

My reaction?

UPDATE: Life at the end of the Year 2009

1) It's been crazy lately. With my ever-changing moods and the indecisive heart and mind. And the ever-changing thoughts and ideas. And the work. And the relationships, friendships. (skinship?? hahah. i just wanted to type that.) I've been an ass to myself and to everything and everyone. But I never put any subjects of why things have been that way out of sight. And anyone who knows me well know that I'm the one who remembers shitty things that have been done to me and shitty things that I do or did to ppl.

2) Work. Oh Work is just Work. It's never changing. Work can never be less. Work is always and will always be work.

3) Lately, I have been spending a lot of time with myself. I miss that. I always try to find time to pamper myself n I really needed that. Especially when people I am (was) close with are (were) not around me (anymore).

4) I'm not very responsive to anything now. My "No-Feeling-Disease" has been worst. Even towards my boy-friend. (ok. there is a meaning to why there is a "-" there)

5) The fact that I planned on going back to Kuching has been changed to a hateful desire. Hahahah!!!

6) My Samurai Deeper Kyo's collection is almost complete. Another 2 more volumes (or another tankoubon) . But we (the SDK manga collectors of English Version) are disappointed with the missing covers for Volume 36. (T_______T)

7) Don't worry, when I can find time to write about 2009 review, I will write. For now I'm too busy with so many things. I remembered someone asked me "What are you so busy with??" Well, unlike you who has sooooo much free time, I'm different. I'm putting a fullstop to that so that another big stupid argument will not happen.

8) This year, I was given a few year planner for free. I mean. Last year I had to buy them. O_O

9) Grandma is here. Again. :D

10) I'm doing something to my hair again before the new year. Why? Because I am bored with it.

Responsibility and Realization

I found something interesting in my "Journal Collection". One of them is titled as Responsibility and I didn't even post it to my blog. (I think I did not). Anyhow, This is something to ponder.

"Would it be so wrong to admit that I am swimming in the sea filled with wonderful feelings, colourful emotions, the sea that promises no heartache, and even if I drowned in it, I will never regret ever living in it? I have never felt that way before. I am not sure whether this statement is correct but from my point of view, there is no such thing as a wonderful life. Even if there is, at some point everyone will at least face the steel bar, or the great wall of life and to get through it will require a great sacrifice. Right now, I am wandering about, not knowing where to go, still not satisfy with life and currently bound to admit to reality. Sitting here having a cup of hot coffee after a long shower, reminiscing. Sometimes I thought living this life could be as simple as reading a book (which reminds me that I need to go to Book Castle to get some paperback). Obviously, that thought is so wrong, but unfortunately, nobody tells us that as we walk this road, we crumble, we fall, we cry and we have to get up by ourselves. And nobody is there to help us.

Let’s talk about responsibilities. What is my responsibility as a human being? (aside from the responsibilities that I have towards God). Which reminds me of what my kawaii little foster brother, Addin had said to a man he saw loitering about after he did his Friday prayer.

Addin: Are you a Muslim?
The man: Yes.
Addin: What is your God’s name?
The man: Allah.
Addin: Isn’t it your responsibility to go for Friday prayer? Why didn’t you?
The man: (speechless)

(Note: Addin is only 7 years old and yes, he talks like an adult. Sometimes he does piss me off with his stories of ancient Romans and the ancestors including World War and Napoleon Bonaparte)
I would seriously kill myself after hearing that from a 7 years old kid (or on the other hand I would kill the kid instead for reminding what an ass I am). His dad (Addin’s dad that is) was speechless too and had to apologize to the man. Hahaha.. I thought that was a funny story after hearing it. But then again, it really hit me. And it made me realize that life is too short to be so careless and irresponsible. But it is still funny though, don’t you think… (really laughing my head off right now).

Actually, I miss my life as an undergraduate student. I want to go back. I realized that is the time I can really ‘lepak’, watch anime, download movies, sleep and the only responsibility I have is towards myself. Now that I’m done with school (gosh… this really reminds me that I’m OLD), I can’t have as much fun as I had in university. There are always rules to break and being carefree in university is the best feeling I have ever had (Warning: Do not be carefree while you’re schooling. It will only get you in trouble. Dame yo. Zettai Dame!).

I have another 7 years before I’m 30 (am I thinking too far?) and I possess and unusual fear of growing up and settling down (and of course I’m running away from this fucked up responsibilities that I happened to be involved with undesirably). Doesn’t it sound sick to know that others' mistake is your responsibilities? I’m not ready to have big responsibilities and it’s not what I want after having a long undesirable life (23 years is considered as long, you know)."

Okay... I just realized that was written over 3 years ago... LOL!!! But whatever...