My heart is at my feet and I'm stepping on it

* typing ridiculous things because can't think straight *

I'm currently in a blank mode for I just did another unexpected and heartless thing but I guess on my side, I'm just doing myself a very, very, very big favour. I have to stop dreaming of wanting happiness the wrong way like doing things that don't give me any satisfaction. I'm just torturing my soul.

Believing is one thing. I honestly do give so much hope and faith to it, but things like this doesn't work one way. When I first decided on it, I knew it's too much to expect and I knew so well this is all bullshit.

I'm just way too complicated.

For that, I bid you farewell. This might really be the last time.

Blardy Hawt. Fark.

I created another commotion in my life last few weeks and I realized the big little idiot inside of me was the one who had orchestrated the dramatic performance that day. The little piece was generously performed by my little fingers which danced gracefully pathetically but hard on the keyboard, typing the words from hell one by one as my eyes intensely stared on the screen of my dusty laptop reading those words fluently from my brain and was oblivion to the current state I was in. Was I being furious? Was I expecting something? I never knew. It was too ugly beautiful to be seen by laymen's eyes.

Still wondering now, what might be the driver to have gotten my legs into this sticky mud. I don't think I am desperately in need of contemplating my life, because as far as I am concerned, it hasn't gone anywhere far. I'm still standing in the same spot, each and everyday doing the same thing, seeing the same thing expecting the same thing. It bores me. Everyday in the middle of nowhere, the wind whispers. I keep standing still. Wondering whether I should listen to them. In the morning, I will be standing up straight, power up to start a new day. I would probably be half asleep, yet every morning I'd be ready to face the sun. But I can't move. I'd be there standing until the sun goes back to sleep.

I had a stupid an interesting conversation with someone who shall not be named. We were talking about the past. Something normal people would do. Talk and laugh about it. Somehow, it went overboard and the conversation became a little more serious. I was hoping that my laptop would ran out of battery, but it was on plug. I desperately want to run away from the conversation, because I can no longer say anything. I uttered a curse under my breath. Though the other person can't hear me, I settled it with a whisper. Why oh why did I ever mention it?

In another unrelated matter, I've just lost it to myself. My stoic shell cracked today and it's just ugly. I've been trying so hard to suppress it. I mean, it did crack before but today it almost breaks. There are a few things which i consider as nuisance in life.

1) when people u trust turn their back on u
2) when things that you thrown away are recollected
3) when things that you like are taken away from you

Things say like, my favourite hang out place, my favourite things to do, my favourite pose and my favourite people. Yes. I've finally took the left turn today and when things are already ugly, i tend to make it worse in this situation. *sigh*

Save me oh saints of stoicness before it's too late