So I have been missing from the Internet world for a bit. =_= This time, I took a break from Twitter. Unbelievable, I know. Hahaha. I used to have this "can't live without Twitter" thing but it faded. "Why?" I wonder. Twitter is addictive, I know. To me, my everyday routine would be to say "Ohayou!" to all my followers on Twitter, and that is the first thing I'll do even before I brush my teeth in the morning. And then, I'd be replying mentions (overdue would be at least within 12 hours =_=) or DMs. All day long, I'd be spouting sh*t on things I'd do and did or posting pictures but mostly spouting sh*t on Twitter. And of course, I'd say "Oyasumi" when I wanna go to bed or at least when I'm not sleeping on the keyboard (and have 'A' 'S' 'D' 'F' on my face in the morning). And for as long as it lasted, I got use to this life and it wasn't bad at all. Somehow, since last week, I sort of, got bored(?) no, that's not the word, more like I don't feel like going on Twitter. I don't wanna read stuff on Twitter because they make me go asdf for no reason at all D: and some things reminded me of stuff that shouldn't be happening at all.
Some reasons might be things like "I don't wanna read nonsense" or "stuff on Twitter makes me asdfasdf all the time" but everybody posts nonsense on Twitter and you can't help but be asdfied by it. Maybe I should specifically say stuff like "I don't wanna read nonsense from certain people, or a certain somebody". Then you will come up with stuff like "Just block/mute them" :3 I can't. Because my followers and the people I'm following are important to me. Maybe I'm trying my best to avoid some things. Things I couldn't say because it's too personal :3 Or maybe I'm just avoiding some people. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know why exactly.
Being too focused on it makes me feel like my life only revolves around it. It's as if I have no real life to run and my life runs on the computer. Not to mention I have to look at the computer almost 20hrs a day. like FUCK. Seriously, before there was Twitter (or the thing the call social networks), there's this thing called cellphones. And I was seriously satisfied with just text message alerts. But now, my phone doesn't rang as much and I don't often get text messages because ppl Tweet! D: And I check Twitter every second of the day, well, I used to D: (and I'm not that free... but then?! D: Naze? Naze na no? Naze na no yooooo???) I just can't get away from it! Oh just to add to that, Social Networks kill real friendships.
What makes me feel worse is, I'm pretty busy with work and all and when I come home every night, I see no one at home. Just furnitures. D: And what's the first thing I would do when I reach home? Login to Twitter and type "Tadaima". OTZ.... Yeah. That's when foreveralone.jpg comes in as a 15mb picture. Dinner? How about dinner you ask? Don't you go out with friends, you ask? Well, Dinner is : 1-300-88-6555(Nando's) or 1-300-888-333(Domino's) D: Everyone has their own life to run.
As complicated as it sounds, the easiest way to solve this is to... well, avoid it. To run away from it. To treat it as if it never existed! (OK. this is impossible). Re-evaluate my life. Set my priorities. I'm not 17! I'm 17 + 10!! D: And I have 1 grayhair! I know some ppl are worried about me because I suddenly disappear. I'm sorry guys, and don't worry about me. I'm fine. I just need time out. * hugs *
And to #Uchikazoku, Thank you for worrying about me, as the head of the family (cough) I'm sorry for disappearing without notice. I'll be back soon, I promise.
And to my friends: To those who texted my phone, you guys are the best! I get text message alerts! hahahahahaha!!! To those who constantly MSN-ing, gtalk-ing me to see if I'm ok, you guys are awesome. To those who asked around because they haven't seen me, you guys are great! Thank you.
To those who didn't even realize I've been missing, thanks for making me realize I'm not an important existence in you life. Arigatou, soshite arigatou.
P/s: Being away from Twitter is calming :3
Showing posts with label Broken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Broken. Show all posts
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
2010: The Review
Let's have a good new year's wish.
Although it's a bit late, (I wished solemnly before =_= Truly sorry about that) Here, from the bottom of my heart, I wanna wish everyone who reads my blog A VERY WONDERFUL NEW YEAR and hopefully the year 2011 will be a prosperous and blessed year for all of us. Thank you for reading. =) If I ever hurt anyone from January to December of 2010, please forgive me. Hahahaha!!! Let's start a new book shall we?
2010 ended pretty bad for me. Hahaha!! It was worse than 2009 and I took it really hard for ONE whole day (yeah.. no need to dwell too much on it) and then I was back in shape, not trying to be happy but AM HAPPY. Everything that happened in 2010 stays there. I don't wish to take it with me. All the good memories, the one person that almost changed my stoic self into a 'fuwa fuwa' person, and that same person who ripped me apart must be sealed.
The first half of 2010 was rather fast moving for me. Although overall, 2010 marked the year of being 'stagnant', some things did change in my life. The Second half of 2010 was much more fun but it went down in the slump in the end. I met lots of new people, made new friends and was involve in new activities. Now, i even think of cosplaying. LOL. I know, I know. I'm not all moe and cute. I'll cosplay as a monster, maybe *coughyukionnacough* =)
Here are my review on 2010:
- When 2010 started, I sort of 'quit' being a hikikomori and was more outgoing.
- I learned who were friends and who were foes.
- Was the year of MEN = JERKS
- Was also the year of 'there is no such thing as bestfriends'
- In 2010, there's a new trend called "BLOCK AND DELETE FRIENDS FROM SOCIAL NETWORK" Gosh. HOW CHILDISH.
- I learned that being FRIENDS have TERMS AND CONDITIONS. For example: I cannot ask questions FTW. Wait, then how do we fucking communicate? WTF O_O
- PEOPLE DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY. YES, THEY DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY.
- Have you checked the dictionary lately? I think they removed the word "PROMISE" * shrugs *
- People change like the weather. At least weather stays constant for a couple of days.
- I made a lot of friends through twitter. Good friends =) My Nyanmarus! My Olympians! My Noa and Nano-nee friends =) Comrades. Anime/Manga lovers. I also made friends with cosplayers. I also have twitter family now hahaha.
- Most of the people I met online and then later in real life are nice people.
- I was saved by someone I met from twitter
- I was also broken by the same someone I met from twitter =(
- Madarao Hakuroku, my beloved Prince Meow died TT_____TT on Oct 4th
- New nephew - Ryuusuke =)
- I also learned there is no such thing as Honesty. People wear facade all the time. ALL THE TIME.
- Everyone is selfish. Something I learned from 2010. Not that I wasn't aware of it before. I just don't want to know and accept the fact that everyone is selfish
- I completed my Samurai Deeper Kyo Manga Series!!! This should be on top =_=
- I've become less stoic and less ignorant than before. Maybe 5% less. That' an improvement
Although it's a bit late, (I wished solemnly before =_= Truly sorry about that) Here, from the bottom of my heart, I wanna wish everyone who reads my blog A VERY WONDERFUL NEW YEAR and hopefully the year 2011 will be a prosperous and blessed year for all of us. Thank you for reading. =) If I ever hurt anyone from January to December of 2010, please forgive me. Hahahaha!!! Let's start a new book shall we?
2010 ended pretty bad for me. Hahaha!! It was worse than 2009 and I took it really hard for ONE whole day (yeah.. no need to dwell too much on it) and then I was back in shape, not trying to be happy but AM HAPPY. Everything that happened in 2010 stays there. I don't wish to take it with me. All the good memories, the one person that almost changed my stoic self into a 'fuwa fuwa' person, and that same person who ripped me apart must be sealed.
The first half of 2010 was rather fast moving for me. Although overall, 2010 marked the year of being 'stagnant', some things did change in my life. The Second half of 2010 was much more fun but it went down in the slump in the end. I met lots of new people, made new friends and was involve in new activities. Now, i even think of cosplaying. LOL. I know, I know. I'm not all moe and cute. I'll cosplay as a monster, maybe *coughyukionnacough* =)
Here are my review on 2010:
- When 2010 started, I sort of 'quit' being a hikikomori and was more outgoing.
- I learned who were friends and who were foes.
- Was the year of MEN = JERKS
- Was also the year of 'there is no such thing as bestfriends'
- In 2010, there's a new trend called "BLOCK AND DELETE FRIENDS FROM SOCIAL NETWORK" Gosh. HOW CHILDISH.
- I learned that being FRIENDS have TERMS AND CONDITIONS. For example: I cannot ask questions FTW. Wait, then how do we fucking communicate? WTF O_O
- PEOPLE DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY. YES, THEY DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY.
- Have you checked the dictionary lately? I think they removed the word "PROMISE" * shrugs *
- People change like the weather. At least weather stays constant for a couple of days.
- I made a lot of friends through twitter. Good friends =) My Nyanmarus! My Olympians! My Noa and Nano-nee friends =) Comrades. Anime/Manga lovers. I also made friends with cosplayers. I also have twitter family now hahaha.
- Most of the people I met online and then later in real life are nice people.
- I was saved by someone I met from twitter
- I was also broken by the same someone I met from twitter =(
- Madarao Hakuroku, my beloved Prince Meow died TT_____TT on Oct 4th
- New nephew - Ryuusuke =)
- I also learned there is no such thing as Honesty. People wear facade all the time. ALL THE TIME.
- Everyone is selfish. Something I learned from 2010. Not that I wasn't aware of it before. I just don't want to know and accept the fact that everyone is selfish
- I completed my Samurai Deeper Kyo Manga Series!!! This should be on top =_=
- I've become less stoic and less ignorant than before. Maybe 5% less. That' an improvement
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year
Happy New Year to all.
How did I end my 2010? With tears. I've reached my dateline of waiting for 'the one' to forgive me. Looks like I was never forgiven in the first place. What's the point of following me when you're not talking to me right? I decided to end everything as in I got the point that we no longer can be friends.
How did i start my 2011? With tears. I feel like I'm finally free. But I don't have to wear a facade. I know myself too well that I regret what I did. However, I don't want to be hurt anymore.
Although it hurts badly, this is the only thing I can do right now. He will never want to talk to me, he will never let me redeem myself, he will never give me a second chance and I will never know what I did so bad that he hated me to the extend that he won't forgive me.
Funny, I finally realized that I have feelings for him...
And it is a bit too late for that now...
How did I end my 2010? With tears. I've reached my dateline of waiting for 'the one' to forgive me. Looks like I was never forgiven in the first place. What's the point of following me when you're not talking to me right? I decided to end everything as in I got the point that we no longer can be friends.
How did i start my 2011? With tears. I feel like I'm finally free. But I don't have to wear a facade. I know myself too well that I regret what I did. However, I don't want to be hurt anymore.
Although it hurts badly, this is the only thing I can do right now. He will never want to talk to me, he will never let me redeem myself, he will never give me a second chance and I will never know what I did so bad that he hated me to the extend that he won't forgive me.
Funny, I finally realized that I have feelings for him...
And it is a bit too late for that now...
Thursday, December 2, 2010
.... toriaezu Sayonara ....
WARNING: THIS POST IS FULL OF POTTY LANGUAGE. KEEP READING IF YOU FEEL BEING MINDFUCKED IS EQUALS TO EATING ICE CREAM. THANK YOU. AGAIN. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
I'm currently very free from work and task. Although I may seem free everyday but trust me, I'm NEVER free. I'm always working, doing coding, cracking my head on Java shits and stored procedures. Like all the time. People see me tweeting every minute and thought all I do all day is tweet (that might be true but...), well, unlike some people, no matter how fucking busy I'm with work, I have time for everything and everybody else. And of course, I need distractions to keep me awake all afternoon. So thanks twitter, tweeples and Olympians for hangin' out with me on twitter lately. Kansha shimashita. I'm gonna be away from twitter and other social networking/im(s) for some self-reflection/realization trip (which was intercepted not too long ago, because I was a fool, and I got carried away by the thing they call fling. Trust me, it WAS the most beautiful thing until you realized that it was TOO GOOD to BE TRUE). I actually don't feel like posting anything on the blog either because I'm still in "Upset-mindfucked-used-abused-hated-unwanted-ignored" mode. This would probably be a self-centered, depressing, fugly, cruel, crappy, shitty, assholic, potty post I've ever done so far, so please... bear with me, if you're reading.. that is.
So, you must be wondering "Why?" or "What's up?" or "what the hell happened?" or shits like that. Or maybe you don't give a fuck either like most people because, my existence is like a tiny stem of dandelion's florets. There are many reasons to why I'm being like this recently. One would be being "stagnant". Stagnant in the sense of not moving at all, in whatever state of being. Be it life, cashflow, career, friendship, relationship (doesn't have to be lovers =_= it can be any relationship, family, friends, colleagues, bosses, just to name a few), environment, life (oh did i mention that already?) sigh. But that's not really the real reason to it. That's just some part of it. The things that I realized have changed in me were my state of mind(over-analyzing things), my emotion (being too fucking sensitive) and my stoicness (has gone down the gutter!)
Until a week ago, right after my birthday, I've had the shiniest soul on the planet. I was the happiest midget in the universe, I was the girl who would laugh and smile everyday for no reason at all. I was the girl who would be happy if sadness comes around ONLY by having that particular thought in mind. I was the girl who would stare at blankness just to recall the things that was said to me previous nights before. I was the girl who would sleep at 7.30pm just to stay awake from 12am til morning for that one reason alone. I was the girl who would go to work looking like a dead zombie bride but with that little cheer on my face, I looked more like a baby panda. I was that girl who slept on top of my laptop just to wait for that "POP" on my IM in the middle of the night. I was that somebody I wanted to be for the longest time. The Happy Girl.
After some time, everything faded. To me at least. Things went from warm, fuzzy, yellowish, daisies and sunshine to cold, frosty, dark blue-ish, snowy winter. I have no idea why I feel this way, but I've faced this more than a gazillion times in this 26 years. I know how it works and what to expect. Somehow, I just can't handle it anymore. Everything was too good to be true and it's like the banner you see on a sale, "For Limited Time Only".
Maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe I do over-analyze things. But I know when I'm not wanted. I just want to be told that's all. If I'm invading someone's life, I just want to be told. If I'm too close and if I made them uncomfortable, I just want to be told. I might (maybe, I'm not really sure how to put this, because, I'm not an expert in this department) 'like' the things that's been going on, and to me, it's totally misleading. I want the truth. Not cover up. No sugary layers.
I've had enough of being Athrun Zala! I've always been an Athrun to everyone. IT FUCKING SUCKS! Once in a while I want to be a Kira or a Setsuna or a Lelouch or a Luffy. I've always put everyone above me but have I been appreciated for what I've done? NO. Have I changed after I realized how damning and cruel it is for me? NO. And have I stopped putting people that I care about above me when they don't fucking care about me? NO. I have never stopped caring.
Ok. This shall end here. In the end, I'm still lost. I don't know what to do and I will keep on growing mushrooms in my bedroom until I rot. I've been so emo lately, I really don't know why.
The one thing I know for sure and the one thing I don't want to fluctuate or be stagnant is, this feeling I have towards that one particular reason. The only reason I still have to believe that everything happen for a reason and it's all good. And as much as I'm being upset with whatever that's been happening in which to that reason is nothing, but to me is something, my mind will never change.
Forgive me for being such an ass these days. For being Immature. For being Impatient. For being such a baby. For being such an annoying existence. For being irritating. For being troublesome. For not being understanding. For being a horrible person. Hontou ni gomen nasai m(_ _)m
I'm currently very free from work and task. Although I may seem free everyday but trust me, I'm NEVER free. I'm always working, doing coding, cracking my head on Java shits and stored procedures. Like all the time. People see me tweeting every minute and thought all I do all day is tweet (that might be true but...), well, unlike some people, no matter how fucking busy I'm with work, I have time for everything and everybody else. And of course, I need distractions to keep me awake all afternoon. So thanks twitter, tweeples and Olympians for hangin' out with me on twitter lately. Kansha shimashita. I'm gonna be away from twitter and other social networking/im(s) for some self-reflection/realization trip (which was intercepted not too long ago, because I was a fool, and I got carried away by the thing they call fling. Trust me, it WAS the most beautiful thing until you realized that it was TOO GOOD to BE TRUE). I actually don't feel like posting anything on the blog either because I'm still in "Upset-mindfucked-used-abused-hated-unwanted-ignored" mode. This would probably be a self-centered, depressing, fugly, cruel, crappy, shitty, assholic, potty post I've ever done so far, so please... bear with me, if you're reading.. that is.
So, you must be wondering "Why?" or "What's up?" or "what the hell happened?" or shits like that. Or maybe you don't give a fuck either like most people because, my existence is like a tiny stem of dandelion's florets. There are many reasons to why I'm being like this recently. One would be being "stagnant". Stagnant in the sense of not moving at all, in whatever state of being. Be it life, cashflow, career, friendship, relationship (doesn't have to be lovers =_= it can be any relationship, family, friends, colleagues, bosses, just to name a few), environment, life (oh did i mention that already?) sigh. But that's not really the real reason to it. That's just some part of it. The things that I realized have changed in me were my state of mind(over-analyzing things), my emotion (being too fucking sensitive) and my stoicness (has gone down the gutter!)
Until a week ago, right after my birthday, I've had the shiniest soul on the planet. I was the happiest midget in the universe, I was the girl who would laugh and smile everyday for no reason at all. I was the girl who would be happy if sadness comes around ONLY by having that particular thought in mind. I was the girl who would stare at blankness just to recall the things that was said to me previous nights before. I was the girl who would sleep at 7.30pm just to stay awake from 12am til morning for that one reason alone. I was the girl who would go to work looking like a dead zombie bride but with that little cheer on my face, I looked more like a baby panda. I was that girl who slept on top of my laptop just to wait for that "POP" on my IM in the middle of the night. I was that somebody I wanted to be for the longest time. The Happy Girl.
After some time, everything faded. To me at least. Things went from warm, fuzzy, yellowish, daisies and sunshine to cold, frosty, dark blue-ish, snowy winter. I have no idea why I feel this way, but I've faced this more than a gazillion times in this 26 years. I know how it works and what to expect. Somehow, I just can't handle it anymore. Everything was too good to be true and it's like the banner you see on a sale, "For Limited Time Only".
Maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe I do over-analyze things. But I know when I'm not wanted. I just want to be told that's all. If I'm invading someone's life, I just want to be told. If I'm too close and if I made them uncomfortable, I just want to be told. I might (maybe, I'm not really sure how to put this, because, I'm not an expert in this department) 'like' the things that's been going on, and to me, it's totally misleading. I want the truth. Not cover up. No sugary layers.
I've had enough of being Athrun Zala! I've always been an Athrun to everyone. IT FUCKING SUCKS! Once in a while I want to be a Kira or a Setsuna or a Lelouch or a Luffy. I've always put everyone above me but have I been appreciated for what I've done? NO. Have I changed after I realized how damning and cruel it is for me? NO. And have I stopped putting people that I care about above me when they don't fucking care about me? NO. I have never stopped caring.
Ok. This shall end here. In the end, I'm still lost. I don't know what to do and I will keep on growing mushrooms in my bedroom until I rot. I've been so emo lately, I really don't know why.
The one thing I know for sure and the one thing I don't want to fluctuate or be stagnant is, this feeling I have towards that one particular reason. The only reason I still have to believe that everything happen for a reason and it's all good. And as much as I'm being upset with whatever that's been happening in which to that reason is nothing, but to me is something, my mind will never change.
Forgive me for being such an ass these days. For being Immature. For being Impatient. For being such a baby. For being such an annoying existence. For being irritating. For being troublesome. For not being understanding. For being a horrible person. Hontou ni gomen nasai m(_ _)m
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Should I call it... 'Over' ?
I have limits too. That I admit. Usually I'm not a patient person. After a week, I would probably murmur curses under my breath and then shuts every possible way of contacts. But Fate is always being mean to me. Maybe it's not Fate. Maybe my book of life is written like this: "Akira is to be ignored by any guy she may like " It's crazy isn't it? It's like I'm cursed and I'm not kidding. I am hurt.
I've been contemplating to destroy this stupid 'castle in the sky'. Who said I didn't like it? The actual fact goes something like "I love it too much I can't stand the fact that it's unreal". Why does this always happen to me? Aphrodite hates me that much? Did I offend cupid in some way I didn't realize? And why must it happen to me consequently? Look. I really like this dude and I've been through a lot this year. Why can't it be simple? Of course, if it's simple. It's not LIFE.
Maybe this isn't working. I've heard stories, tales, whatever from so many people. About being patient and things will work accordingly. But how can it work, if I'm the only one who actually thinks there's something there and when the other party thinks non-living things are more important than me. I've had enough of guys treating me like that. It makes me plant wrong thoughts like "MEN ARE MORONS", "BOYS ARE JERKS" kinda thing.
T_________________T
Enough ranting. I'm a broken glass today. I'm broken everytime I see him around talking to others and ignoring me.
I've been contemplating to destroy this stupid 'castle in the sky'. Who said I didn't like it? The actual fact goes something like "I love it too much I can't stand the fact that it's unreal". Why does this always happen to me? Aphrodite hates me that much? Did I offend cupid in some way I didn't realize? And why must it happen to me consequently? Look. I really like this dude and I've been through a lot this year. Why can't it be simple? Of course, if it's simple. It's not LIFE.
Maybe this isn't working. I've heard stories, tales, whatever from so many people. About being patient and things will work accordingly. But how can it work, if I'm the only one who actually thinks there's something there and when the other party thinks non-living things are more important than me. I've had enough of guys treating me like that. It makes me plant wrong thoughts like "MEN ARE MORONS", "BOYS ARE JERKS" kinda thing.
T_________________T
Enough ranting. I'm a broken glass today. I'm broken everytime I see him around talking to others and ignoring me.
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