2016 - Self Reflection

                I’m sitting here at my cubicle, looking outside my office, staring at the glistening droplets of rain on the window. It’s bright outside, yes, at the same time, it’s very gloomy. I’m also currently listening to a loop of piano playlist on my Spotify, in exchange for some peace of mind. Today, as usual, just like every other year, I feel like it’s a great time for me to do some self-reflection. It is the end of 2016 and we will be welcoming a new year very soon (in another 12 days).

                I will be honest, my 2016 hasn’t been that good and hasn’t been that bad either, in personal life, in work life, in social life. I would have to say, it’s balance. Not sure if this is because of my age, that I’m getting old and that I think I can handle life better (what the f is this bullshit?), but I think it’s more of the experience that we’ve all gone through in life that taught us so many things and that contributes to the patience and the perseverance, and that of what we are built today. Anyway, this will be a very long entry (worth the 6 months since I neglected this blog ahahaha!)

1)      Personal life

Life has been great. Ups and downs, what’s new? Nothing much achieved in terms of goal, but we have moved to a new place and we bought a new car, monster truck and named it Black Hayate Go (as in 5).

This year, I have lost my Grandmother. She passed away in July. I managed to see her and spent some time before her in May. I still can’t get over the lost. However, life goes on. My best friend lost her father, my mom’s best friend lost her husband. Friends and family mourning over losses. Let’s be thankful we are all still alive. Value and treasure every single day and every single person we love.

I have to be honest, my husband and I have been married for 2 years plus now and of course, we would love to have kids. We have thought about it however, realistically, we have not really put MUCH thought into it. We are more of those people who, if God grants us, we will accept it with open arms and heart. I’m glad my husband, as well as my family and in laws are understanding of this and let our decisions be ours and not determined by what other people want. Sometimes, you can’t stop people from talking about it, showing how “concern” they are that you are not carrying around an extra bag full of milk and diapers, but hey, you keep your hands off my business and we will still be friends okay?

Health wise, not really looking so bright. I know it, I’m trying to be healthy, at the same time, my determination is like those French butter in the sun. It melts quickly you don’t even know it was there in solid form. We are now staying at a place with gym and a 50m pool. But, still, I have no time for this. (You see why now?) Will definitely make do all my wasted days fat-ting myself. (yes, fat-ting is now a word) I keep saying I want to have a Journal on weight loss etc. But Bullshit. Let’s not make any promises and see what’s going to happen. This will also determine

2)      Work life

Work sucks beginning of the year. I did a lot of work for people and not being rewarded as promised, this made me think people suck. I almost gave up on this place, until I had the opportunity to move to a new team, new work and a more challenging setting. I’ve given opportunity to do things that I’ve never done before. Spread my knowledge and horizon to a new level. Learn so many things I’ve never thought I would be able to do. Things are going great so far, and hopefully, I will get better opportunity next year.

3)      Social life

I went to watch WEEZER! My childhood dream. One of my favourite band that I grew up listening to (and what makes me, ME). Rivers Cuomo was 10m away from me and I’m satisfied. Come on, be thankful for what you get. Don’t be a bitch about it :D

Most importantly, I get to see Weezer performed Buddy Holly, El Scorcho and Only In Dreams, with my best friend, Momo. Life’s good.

I see friends (outside of work) more often. People I know that I rarely see, I get to see them more now. At least, I try to live outside of my normal life. I just hate to social with people who talk about milk bottles, diapers and poop ALL THE TIME. Come on, you know I don’t have kids and I don’t know shit about things you talk about. I wish these people would be more respectful and sensitive of other people. Look, I like you and your kid, but if you keep on yapping about them on Whatsapp or everytime I see you, that’s it man. Forget we ever met.

Though so, I accept ideas, suggestions (not judgements. Suggestions) and also appreciate friends who lend their ears to listen to what I have to say about all this. LOLs. To those friends that come over to hang out at our place, and stayed til dawn to play games, gossip and have intellectual talks, thanks guys! I love you guys!

Wow. So much of self-reflection. As always, I thought it’s useless to do more resolutions if the last ones were never fulfilled.

The Truth Behind a Façade

Ramadhan is a holy month for us Muslims and this is the time, most of us (if not all) will be doing our very best to surrender ourselves to kindness, humbleness, patience and endurance and most of all to God. Some, will practice all good deeds religiously, which is, of course, a good thing. However, come end of Ramadhan, this will end too. Does this only apply to Ramadhan and if so, what happens to the normal days of our life? Is this all an act? Are we acting all holier-than-thou just because it’s the holy month?

I’m not the most pious person out there, heck, I’m just a humble servant of God who is not whole and is still searching for guidance to lead this life to the right path. And I, a puny human being have no rights to say my thoughts out loud on this matter. However, the existence of social media has made us all the victim of being judgmental.

Even severe injury from a blade cannot compare to the pain produce by the sharpness of these 10 fingers of ours and the verbal torture from these lips. Other parts of the body move faster than the brain and the desire to be known and to show-off the high level of idiocy intelligence is beyond how much most of us can comprehend. Let’s walk through some scenarios that we sometimes encounter during this month.

Let’s go back to the first day of this year’s fasting month, where Pumpkin was involved in a self-accident while on the way back to our home from work. He fell off his bike because the car in front of him stopped abruptly. He didn’t hit the car but he fell on his own (yes, due to inertia). The driver got out of the car, walked towards him and started spouting rude words, telling him if he was stupid or if he was blind. What? Not even helping him up from his falling position, words spilling out of his mouth was nonsense.  And this guy, ladies and gentlemen, was wearing a kopiah, on the first day of Ramadhan. Probably on his way to break-fast and tarawih. What happened to compassion?

Next, the things people write on the Internet/Facebook/Twitter during fasting month when it is a bothering factor to them, are mostly mean stuff, but on a more subtle wave. (Myself included). What is this patience and endurance we are talking about? Did we really “try” to practice it just because it’s fasting month? Does that mean, we can revert back to being mean AFTER Ramadhan?

The face you carry during this month is all glowing and full of light. Once you see a spot of bother (e.g. a girl with short skirt who walks in a Surau to pray), your mind automatically produce mean thoughts and you start gossiping with your friends. “OMG, wearing that kind of outfit and then praying? What was she thinking, not respecting the religion blablabla…” So, who is standing at the wrong side now?

Again, I’m not the one to talk as I’m not perfect and in the state of  “under-construction”. But people, really? What is Ramadhan to you?

I’ll observe myself after this and monitor all the violations I have done to myself in Ramadhan.

Happy fasting people.

Some life and anime update (Part 1)

I have a bit of time today since it's my last day in this team. Obviously I'm not swarmed with work and I'm just sitting here at my cubicle doing nothing. I decided not to bring my tablet today because I thought I would have a gazillion of things to read (work from the new role and stuff) or perhaps, start packing my things and move to my new seat. But well, my new seat is not ready and they need to get my phone line there. 

So, my feelings about this whole moving to a new role. Happy of course, that I'm finally seated in a better position. Not that I don't like my current role, I do. It's just that, I probably want to drive myself to my full potential and move forward. Lol. Ok. What is all that bullshit. Let's not talk about that. FYI, will be reporting to a new boss tomorrow. Good luck to me.

Today, I thought I wanted to write a bit about Anime that I've been following this season. I know it's a bit too late, but well, here goes.
This season (Spring 2016) I've been following a number of good anime (according to me that is) and I'm still sulking with the disappearance of Gintama.

1) Re:Zero kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu

Image from: MyAnimeList

My husband really likes this series. It kinda reminded me of that Tom Cruise movie, what was it call? Edge of Tomorrow was it? This is about a boy, Natsuki Subaru who got transported to a different world where he dies numerous time. Why? Go watch. This anime is still has a bucketload of mysteries that still needs to be uncover. As usual, I don't want to give out too much info for those who has not seen it. For those who are following this anime, let me know what you think.

2) Koutetsujou no Kabaneri

Image from: MyAnimeList

So I heard the director for this anime is the same one as the one who directed Shingeki no Kyoujin. As far as I know (correct me if I'm wrong) this is anime original and there is no manga for this (so far). This series is set on the island country Hinomoto where a mysterious virus appears and the infection transforms humans in to Kabane (a zombie-like beings with steel hearts i-dont-know). So humans hide themselves in fortresses against the threat of these Kabanes. Well, of course, like any other stories, there's always a plot twist and between humans and kabanes, there is Kabaneri, humans that are infected by this virus but has managed and not been fully transformed into Kabane. You don't have to ask, these are usually the heroes. Go watch. It's a good series.

3) Boku no Hero Academia

Image from: MyAnimeList

Been hearing a lot about Boku no Hero Academia being the anime that is on par or relatively on par with Naruto. I don't know man... I never read the manga and I'm starting out with the anime and I found it... well, just okay. Maybe I'm wrong. it's only at Episode 10 anyway. I would try reading the manga and hope it redeems itself better in manga. If you're wondering, this anime is about this boy Izuku who has no natural quirk (superpower) but wants to be a superhero. Yeah..

4) Bungou Stray Dogs

Image from: MyAnimeList

One of the most awaited series for me every week. Mystery and supernatural (bishounen.duh.) This series features Nakajima Atsushi who was kicked out of his orphange, on the brink of starvation and was rescued by a man who was attempting suicide (Dazai-san) Dazai is a member of a special detective agency and the team consists of individuals with supernatural powers. Well yeah, i mean, just go watch. Really. And oh, Dazai's seiyuu is Mamoru Miyano!!! 

5) Sakamoto desu ga?

Image from: MyAnimeList

Bahahahaha!! Ok this sits next to Level E. Seriously. It's so random, I died everytime I watched it. I'm also reading the manga now and I love the fact that everytime I feel shitty, this lifted my spirit. Hahaha. Watch it, people! P/s: Fuuri said, Sakamoto is Bayonetta's son! HAHAHAHA


Will continue in Part 2

2012, I Welcome You With Open Heart!

Hey hey hey!!! look who's coming baby?! it's 2011 in the house!!! and our guest 2012 who will be "hosting" our life for the whole year of next year. I have to say it's kinda idd for me today, blogging from my phone coz i kinda forgot that it was like a ritual for me to do an entry every last morning of the year.

So, forgive all the misspelling and the odd looking spacing coz im not use to this. Anyway, New Year's Resolution. Hmm, let's review what I've achieved for the whole year of 2011. I believe, 2011 has been a wonderful year for me. Although I faced little hiccups along the way, all has been good. I've been given opportunities to strive, to change a stagnant position and to choose a path of a better life.

As I stride along the early quarter, I faced the most challenging part of living. A task to choose between a full gain or a complete loss. A risk to be taken and to be responsible for the outcome. And once again, God has given me the best gift I've ever had. I know I deserve this because I worked hard for it.

I'm not gonna dwell much on whatever you know. So, like I always say "Look Forward". I'm sure 2012 will be a better one. If I'm lucky and if you're lucky and if God wills it, i just might say hello to marriage! Hahaha!!! So let's pray for best! Strive for the best! And do our best for next year.

2012 I welcome you with open heart!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY AND GOD BLEAA!!

sincerely,

Eru.

Venting =_=

I'm not gonna deny how screwed up of a person I am. It's when I'm really in deep shit, only will I think of God. Not that I don't have Him in my mind and heart. Well, you know what I mean. For those who read this and think they are like me, well, we are human, as long as we realized it, we're ok. For those who read this and think they are not like me (which means, you think you're superior, awesome and pious) well, good for you, may you be like that for the rest of your life. Now, how many of you think life is unfair (ah... no need to throw popcorn)

They say, God gives you challenges and difficulties in life only when He knows that you can handle it. How and what you should do depends on you. Sometimes (most of the time, I mean) I can handle it well. But a triple combo buried me deep into the ground, I think it will take some time for me to get up and start walking again. Most of the time I feel used and abused. Sometimes, I feel blessed with people I have around me who supports me in everything I do and back me up when ever I'm in deep shit.

Sometimes, we can't stop people from labelling us or thinking we're some kind of an alien. It's what they call "Freedom of Speech". I was once called a "Venusian" by an unidentified microorganism (who isn't so human himself... jeez.. ). Sometimes I wonder, what I did wrong, so bad that it seems like the whole universe is going against me. (oh well =_= i think everybody feels the same. ) I've never felt so much hate and discrimination against me before. Who am I to complain when I have nothing at all and I'm just a mere human being who isn't as great as any other I know.

I'm not asking to be defended because I don't think I did anything wrong that I need someone to defend me. If God wanted me to be born this way, then does anyone has the right to question God's will?
If you question what is written in the book of fate, doesn't that make you go against God? I'm very disappointed, sad and depressed with the whole situation and I don't usually bother about it, but this time, it's a big thing for me.

Btw, on an unrelated matter, after 26 years, my mom still doesn't understand me. I'm disappointed. But well, by saying this, it must have sounded like I'm that kind of kid, you know. The Bad Kid Who Is Never Thankful For Everything She Got. blegh. See how people judge, from the outside. They never ask! They Assume. Now you wanna ask about the reason behind the rapid increase in statistics of educated individuals in mental institutions or suicidal cases in the world? You should know the answer already. Because no one listens.

Well I have to agree with the counter measure people take in avoiding these kind of cases like having those 1-800-call-me-if-u-feel-like-jumping-off-a-building care-line. But, what these people need is to talk and understood by people they love.

(Just to be clear,This is NOT a suicide note =_=) But I do feel like cutting it short is the simplest way to forget everything. More like, not living at all. Like Freddie said "Mama.... I don't wanna die, but sometimes wish I've never been born at all"

2010: The Review

Let's have a good new year's wish.

Although it's a bit late, (I wished solemnly before =_= Truly sorry about that) Here, from the bottom of my heart, I wanna wish everyone who reads my blog A VERY WONDERFUL NEW YEAR and hopefully the year 2011 will be a prosperous and blessed year for all of us. Thank you for reading. =) If I ever hurt anyone from January to December of 2010, please forgive me. Hahahaha!!! Let's start a new book shall we?

2010 ended pretty bad for me. Hahaha!! It was worse than 2009 and I took it really hard for ONE whole day (yeah.. no need to dwell too much on it) and then I was back in shape, not trying to be happy but AM HAPPY. Everything that happened in 2010 stays there. I don't wish to take it with me. All the good memories, the one person that almost changed my stoic self into a 'fuwa fuwa' person, and that same person who ripped me apart must be sealed.

The first half of 2010 was rather fast moving for me. Although overall, 2010 marked the year of being 'stagnant', some things did change in my life. The Second half of 2010 was much more fun but it went down in the slump in the end. I met lots of new people, made new friends and was involve in new activities. Now, i even think of cosplaying. LOL. I know, I know. I'm not all moe and cute. I'll cosplay as a monster, maybe *coughyukionnacough* =)

Here are my review on 2010:

- When 2010 started, I sort of 'quit' being a hikikomori and was more outgoing.
- I learned who were friends and who were foes.
- Was the year of MEN = JERKS
- Was also the year of 'there is no such thing as bestfriends'
- In 2010, there's a new trend called "BLOCK AND DELETE FRIENDS FROM SOCIAL NETWORK" Gosh. HOW CHILDISH.
- I learned that being FRIENDS have TERMS AND CONDITIONS. For example: I cannot ask questions FTW. Wait, then how do we fucking communicate? WTF O_O
- PEOPLE DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY. YES, THEY DON'T MEAN WHAT THEY SAY.
- Have you checked the dictionary lately? I think they removed the word "PROMISE" * shrugs *
- People change like the weather. At least weather stays constant for a couple of days.
- I made a lot of friends through twitter. Good friends =) My Nyanmarus! My Olympians! My Noa and Nano-nee friends =) Comrades. Anime/Manga lovers. I also made friends with cosplayers. I also have twitter family now hahaha.
- Most of the people I met online and then later in real life are nice people.
- I was saved by someone I met from twitter
- I was also broken by the same someone I met from twitter =(
- Madarao Hakuroku, my beloved Prince Meow died TT_____TT on Oct 4th
- New nephew - Ryuusuke =)
- I also learned there is no such thing as Honesty. People wear facade all the time. ALL THE TIME.
- Everyone is selfish. Something I learned from 2010. Not that I wasn't aware of it before. I just don't want to know and accept the fact that everyone is selfish
- I completed my Samurai Deeper Kyo Manga Series!!! This should be on top =_=
- I've become less stoic and less ignorant than before. Maybe 5% less. That' an improvement

Entropy at work: A good girl

Should post this to some weekly talent competition. LOL! THIS IS RANDOM!! Not related to anyone dead or alive. Thanks For Reading.

A good girl
by erma

A good girl will always smile to the things she adores

A good girl will know when to seek and when to ignore
A good girl will not let go easily
A good girl will pout when she misses that somebody
A good girl will do what it takes to win that someone's heart
A good girl will sulk for the reasons they had to be apart
A good girl will compromise and tolerate
A good girl will always believe in fate
A good girl will cry and then recover
A good girl will know when to say "It's over"
A good girl will nod when there is a good reason behind something
But a good girl is also a mere human being; a fragile little thing
A good girl will know when to quit, although it hurts and there is no cure to it
A good girl will know when to quietly leave, but stands tall to what she believes
Therefore a good girl needs a good man
The one she knows she wants to be with, the one who is able to withstand her, the only one who can

Universal Children's Day: Stop Child Abuse!

Today (20th November) is Universal Children's Day. I was invited by Ili Billie to support the event which was held at 1Utama this morning. I should have brought my nieces and nephew. The event was all about creating awareness of child abuse and for all means, to support against child abuse and many other things related to children. I came a little late but I managed to join the Flash Mob game which was totally awesome. Didn't bring my blanket (and no, no kid with me) so I shared blanket with a random person and she was nice enough to offer me her blanket (and we became friends =) hehehe). While we were having our own "sleep over" in front of Mac City, suddenly somebody came and tickled me while I was under the blanket. I burst into tears and I laughed so hard. When I peeked, it was Datin Marina Mahathir. Hahaha! Omg.. * embarrassed * She must have thought I was a kid =_= Oh! And I was mistaken for a 16 year old TWICE. Anyway, I didn't manage to take a lot of photos because my phone died on me T___T.

Exhibit 1: If you need help, call 15999

Exhibit 2: Kodomo ga aishiteiru

Exhibit 3: Show support against child abuse

Exhibit 4: The crowd before the Flash Mob game

For more info check out: UNICEF Malaysia and show your support.

Love your children. Stop child abuse. Remember, we were once kids.



x-posted to : Theater of Randomness: Unraveling tangled yarns

The sky isn't friendly today

I feel so dead. If I'm not sane (in which I'm almost at the limit) I would have just slit my wrist and die horribly and let my soul be damned eternally. Thank God, I have that 1% sanity left in me before I do something stupid like jumping off the 26th floor of my apartment or something like that. Sigh... you must be wondering "Why the solemn, deadly, suicidal talk?!" Don't worry, I won't do it. I don't have the guts to do it. Trust me.

I'm wrapped in despair. I think my brain is melting. My heart has gone dark. I'm lost.


. . . . .

Responsibility and Realization

I found something interesting in my "Journal Collection". One of them is titled as Responsibility and I didn't even post it to my blog. (I think I did not). Anyhow, This is something to ponder.

"Would it be so wrong to admit that I am swimming in the sea filled with wonderful feelings, colourful emotions, the sea that promises no heartache, and even if I drowned in it, I will never regret ever living in it? I have never felt that way before. I am not sure whether this statement is correct but from my point of view, there is no such thing as a wonderful life. Even if there is, at some point everyone will at least face the steel bar, or the great wall of life and to get through it will require a great sacrifice. Right now, I am wandering about, not knowing where to go, still not satisfy with life and currently bound to admit to reality. Sitting here having a cup of hot coffee after a long shower, reminiscing. Sometimes I thought living this life could be as simple as reading a book (which reminds me that I need to go to Book Castle to get some paperback). Obviously, that thought is so wrong, but unfortunately, nobody tells us that as we walk this road, we crumble, we fall, we cry and we have to get up by ourselves. And nobody is there to help us.

Let’s talk about responsibilities. What is my responsibility as a human being? (aside from the responsibilities that I have towards God). Which reminds me of what my kawaii little foster brother, Addin had said to a man he saw loitering about after he did his Friday prayer.

Addin: Are you a Muslim?
The man: Yes.
Addin: What is your God’s name?
The man: Allah.
Addin: Isn’t it your responsibility to go for Friday prayer? Why didn’t you?
The man: (speechless)

(Note: Addin is only 7 years old and yes, he talks like an adult. Sometimes he does piss me off with his stories of ancient Romans and the ancestors including World War and Napoleon Bonaparte)
I would seriously kill myself after hearing that from a 7 years old kid (or on the other hand I would kill the kid instead for reminding what an ass I am). His dad (Addin’s dad that is) was speechless too and had to apologize to the man. Hahaha.. I thought that was a funny story after hearing it. But then again, it really hit me. And it made me realize that life is too short to be so careless and irresponsible. But it is still funny though, don’t you think… (really laughing my head off right now).

Actually, I miss my life as an undergraduate student. I want to go back. I realized that is the time I can really ‘lepak’, watch anime, download movies, sleep and the only responsibility I have is towards myself. Now that I’m done with school (gosh… this really reminds me that I’m OLD), I can’t have as much fun as I had in university. There are always rules to break and being carefree in university is the best feeling I have ever had (Warning: Do not be carefree while you’re schooling. It will only get you in trouble. Dame yo. Zettai Dame!).

I have another 7 years before I’m 30 (am I thinking too far?) and I possess and unusual fear of growing up and settling down (and of course I’m running away from this fucked up responsibilities that I happened to be involved with undesirably). Doesn’t it sound sick to know that others' mistake is your responsibilities? I’m not ready to have big responsibilities and it’s not what I want after having a long undesirable life (23 years is considered as long, you know)."

Okay... I just realized that was written over 3 years ago... LOL!!! But whatever...