Read and understand the 'euphemism' :D

It's almost December peeps. Are you guys ready with your NEW New Year resolutions? Wait... what am I talking about... Did you hit any resolution target(s) this year??? Truth be told, I haven't. Okkk I lied. I might have. Hit a few. (not in the KG area though OTZ) But today's entry is driven by my anxiousness of not being able to wait for 4-6 weeks for a certain verdict. This year, my life path is being paved nicely. Though hard on the "golden" road, I'm stil alive and kicking. Like I've mentioned earlier, I hit a few bottles on the bar. (Again, not on the KG department T__T) Nevertheless, Alhamdulillah, I've managed to find half-of-myself. (HALF is a BIG portion, mind you)

Today, I'm anxious. I went to 2 awesome, golden-eggs-in-the-basket, life-changing-opportunity sessions and honestly, I've never been this grateful in my entire life. After all, I've been telling myself that I've been cursed since... forever O_O. Opportunities like these never come one after another, I believe. And there they were, both in my hands. Although, they did look promising, but the verdict lies in God's hands (and the people involved.lol). I've tried my best, I gave my all. All I'm asking is just a tiny little chance.

Ok, back to the reason why I'm being anxious and acting like a beaten snake. Pumpkin received 2 'party' invitations. A 2.4 and a 3.6. Of course he went with the 3.6. For a young corn like him, that's pretty darn nice! And I'm happy for him. He tried his best. He worked for it. And I witnessed it all. How hard he took everything and never feeling resentful (unlike me =_=). No wonder God treated him nicely. He deserves them. I'm proud of you sweetheart!

On the other hand, I have to wait 4-6 weeks for my turn. I have a strong feeling on this and I'm hoping for something to happen. Please pray for me :)

Venting =_=

I'm not gonna deny how screwed up of a person I am. It's when I'm really in deep shit, only will I think of God. Not that I don't have Him in my mind and heart. Well, you know what I mean. For those who read this and think they are like me, well, we are human, as long as we realized it, we're ok. For those who read this and think they are not like me (which means, you think you're superior, awesome and pious) well, good for you, may you be like that for the rest of your life. Now, how many of you think life is unfair (ah... no need to throw popcorn)

They say, God gives you challenges and difficulties in life only when He knows that you can handle it. How and what you should do depends on you. Sometimes (most of the time, I mean) I can handle it well. But a triple combo buried me deep into the ground, I think it will take some time for me to get up and start walking again. Most of the time I feel used and abused. Sometimes, I feel blessed with people I have around me who supports me in everything I do and back me up when ever I'm in deep shit.

Sometimes, we can't stop people from labelling us or thinking we're some kind of an alien. It's what they call "Freedom of Speech". I was once called a "Venusian" by an unidentified microorganism (who isn't so human himself... jeez.. ). Sometimes I wonder, what I did wrong, so bad that it seems like the whole universe is going against me. (oh well =_= i think everybody feels the same. ) I've never felt so much hate and discrimination against me before. Who am I to complain when I have nothing at all and I'm just a mere human being who isn't as great as any other I know.

I'm not asking to be defended because I don't think I did anything wrong that I need someone to defend me. If God wanted me to be born this way, then does anyone has the right to question God's will?
If you question what is written in the book of fate, doesn't that make you go against God? I'm very disappointed, sad and depressed with the whole situation and I don't usually bother about it, but this time, it's a big thing for me.

Btw, on an unrelated matter, after 26 years, my mom still doesn't understand me. I'm disappointed. But well, by saying this, it must have sounded like I'm that kind of kid, you know. The Bad Kid Who Is Never Thankful For Everything She Got. blegh. See how people judge, from the outside. They never ask! They Assume. Now you wanna ask about the reason behind the rapid increase in statistics of educated individuals in mental institutions or suicidal cases in the world? You should know the answer already. Because no one listens.

Well I have to agree with the counter measure people take in avoiding these kind of cases like having those 1-800-call-me-if-u-feel-like-jumping-off-a-building care-line. But, what these people need is to talk and understood by people they love.

(Just to be clear,This is NOT a suicide note =_=) But I do feel like cutting it short is the simplest way to forget everything. More like, not living at all. Like Freddie said "Mama.... I don't wanna die, but sometimes wish I've never been born at all"

Something good will come our way....

I'm feeling a bit down today. Everything has been great but you know, you can't get everything you want. Nobody said it was easy.

This is for that special someone...


Something Good by Bic Runga

Just wanna know ya
Just wanna talk to ya
I wanna hear about your day
I'd never leave ya
Never be mean to ya
I'd always let you get your way

Something good will come our way
And maybe this good thing's gonna happen today

If I were honest I 'd tell you everything
But it keeps coming out as lies
It's not a promise
In case you're wondering
It's not some blessing in disguise

But something good will come our way
And maybe this good thing's gonna happen today
Something good will come our way
And maybe this good things gonna happen today

I know romance is not in fashion
And my heart is on the line
If you would be so kind
To help me kill some time

Then something good just might come crashing
From the stars that light the sky
If you would be so kind
To help me kill some time

x(restrictionsucks)+ y(a gazillion of unhappy things) / 0(1 happy thing)

Kids: Learn the formula in life

ASDFIED = x(restrictionsucks)+ y(a gazillion of unhappy things) / 0(1 happy thing)

Hello World?!: Restrictions? This is the gdamn 21st Century!

It's almost a week since kuso kaisha banned a lot of sites including * clearsthroat * echofon-ing. I mean, I do have another option, which is my phone, demo... chotto mendokusai na.. It's troublesome to switch from doing work on the laptop and then using the phone to reply all the mentions (or to vent anger/emo-ness) I feel dead. ( oh you must be wondering why i like to use the word "Dies" "Dead" lately. Hmm... no particular reason, except, try listening to Dream Theater's "The Spirit Carries On". You'll understand.)

I used to be frightened of dying. I used to think death was the end. But that was before, I'm not scared anymore. I know that my soul will transcend.

If I die tomorrow, I'll be alright because I believe that after we're gone, the spirit carries on.

Pfft. Ok. sounds so cult-y. But anyway, I wonder why they have to do these kind of things. We're not fucking kids! Let me tell you what I think, I think it made me less productive, more stressed and freaking feel like smashing my laptop! (PFT! It's just FUCKED UP you know. I just saw Hades checking out Channel V Asia for celebs news. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?!) These unfairness has gone too far. RESTRICTION in 'Hell' is not all about SITES. It's about fucking everything. Even day offs!

ASDF Level: 10/10


Hello Doomsday: Part I: In Deep Shit

Earth Hour Gig. Yes. Awesomeness. Just so happen that I'll be in Kuching that weekend. Dented is going to perform for that gig! YEAH! It's been years since my last gig. Yon, Go nen gurai? The songs that we're gonna perform are these 4:

1. D City Rock - PSG OST
2. I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams - Weezer
3. (have yet to decide on this ) maybe lostphropets - last summer
4. Somewhere Over The Rainbow (Dented Version - One of them has to be Environment related song)

I'll be playing guitar for this Dented: Formation B gig. THE THING IS, I don't have a guitar to practice with and I barely have the time to. So I've been practicing on my HD Desire. Yeah, it is stupid. Don't ask. Don't even wonder. Which reminds me, I need to get a new bass. Oh, btw, the gig will be next week. Welcome To Hell.

ASDF Level: 5/10

Hello Doomsday: Part II: Tha....na....thos.....

Do you know what this character stands for: 冥王? It means: Hades. LOL.
So many work lately. So little pay (I seriously think I'm underpaid). So little time.
Maa, work isn't really that bad. It's just, it's related to (refer first part of the post)

ASDF Level: 10/10

Hello Doomsday: Part III: Naze..? Naze na no??? NAZE NA NO YOOOOOOOOOO????!!!

My Demon Pet Hates Me. I don't know what i did though. OTZ...

ASDF Level: 8/10


Hello Rakuen: After we're gone, the spirit carries on

He said something that made me happy. although it's just a simple sentence and the thought of him having thoughts about me is just HNGGGGGGGGHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGH! (FINE. I'LL GET OVER IT) but let me stay happy for a bit, coz i know he didn't forget about me at least. The things I never thought he would do. =)))

ASDF Level: 1/10

Note: on a non-related subject, I've learned how to curse in Portuguese, thanks to my twin brother.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all.

How did I end my 2010? With tears. I've reached my dateline of waiting for 'the one' to forgive me. Looks like I was never forgiven in the first place. What's the point of following me when you're not talking to me right? I decided to end everything as in I got the point that we no longer can be friends.

How did i start my 2011? With tears. I feel like I'm finally free. But I don't have to wear a facade. I know myself too well that I regret what I did. However, I don't want to be hurt anymore.

Although it hurts badly, this is the only thing I can do right now. He will never want to talk to me, he will never let me redeem myself, he will never give me a second chance and I will never know what I did so bad that he hated me to the extend that he won't forgive me.

Funny, I finally realized that I have feelings for him...
And it is a bit too late for that now...

Out of sight, Out of mind?

My mother usually says something like "Out of sight, out of mind" when she talks to me over the phone, especially when I am far, far, far away from home just because she doesn't want me to feel sad or homesick. She said, chanting it everyday and planting it in my head would give me positive feedback so I can actually focus on the things I should be focusing on and not be distracted by petty things like missing my cat or missing my bed or my loved ones.

NOT A POTTY ONE BUT YET ANOTHER EMO ENTRY OTZ. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
So this thing happened to me 3 days ago where it almost killed me inside. I thought it did. I've been suffocating and wrapped in this vacuum-like confusion for almost a month now. Walking on a narrow fence, thinking which side to fall to. I never dare to pull the trigger because I don't want to lose what I hold dear but somehow the other side cut loose. Without any explanation. Without telling me why. I was too shocked to think and react. I didn't know why the other side did that. We did sorta have a small argument, not even an argument I think. I stopped questioning. I finished the whole thing with just one statement "Sou...". Yup. Just "Sou..." and the other side had to justify themselves. Why... If you did not do that, the argument wouldn't have break and we would still be at peace wouldn't we?

And so the other side found the shortest solution. Just like someone I knEw from long ago who also did the same thing to me. Blocked/Deleted me from contacts. Is it me or this is ONE FAMOUS GODDAMN SOLUTION? So you think this solves everything?

I don't wanna go through this again after the first time. BUT IT REOCCURRED. Funny isn't it?? If you talk about KARMA, I never once EVER DELETED A GODDAMN SOUL in my contacts. NEVER. It makes me think that people are morons. Real people are morons and selfish being. Some people don't like to be appreciated and they probably hate it that you're being concerned, affectionate towards them. It's not troublesome. It's not annoying. It's not irritating. Only those with a stone heart would think so.

So back to, "Out of sight, out of mind". I believe my mother's theory doesn't work on me. Even when the other side is 'out of sight' they still remain in my brain. I tried suppressing it for 3 days. I cracked the shell last night. I admit that I miss the other side but there is nothing I can do about. It's up the them.

!@#$%^&*

Do u know how it feels like being mindfucked everyday?

Try jumping off the nearest cliff.

Entropy at work: A good girl

Should post this to some weekly talent competition. LOL! THIS IS RANDOM!! Not related to anyone dead or alive. Thanks For Reading.

A good girl
by erma

A good girl will always smile to the things she adores

A good girl will know when to seek and when to ignore
A good girl will not let go easily
A good girl will pout when she misses that somebody
A good girl will do what it takes to win that someone's heart
A good girl will sulk for the reasons they had to be apart
A good girl will compromise and tolerate
A good girl will always believe in fate
A good girl will cry and then recover
A good girl will know when to say "It's over"
A good girl will nod when there is a good reason behind something
But a good girl is also a mere human being; a fragile little thing
A good girl will know when to quit, although it hurts and there is no cure to it
A good girl will know when to quietly leave, but stands tall to what she believes
Therefore a good girl needs a good man
The one she knows she wants to be with, the one who is able to withstand her, the only one who can

Should I call it... 'Over' ?

I have limits too. That I admit. Usually I'm not a patient person. After a week, I would probably murmur curses under my breath and then shuts every possible way of contacts. But Fate is always being mean to me. Maybe it's not Fate. Maybe my book of life is written like this: "Akira is to be ignored by any guy she may like " It's crazy isn't it? It's like I'm cursed and I'm not kidding. I am hurt.

I've been contemplating to destroy this stupid 'castle in the sky'. Who said I didn't like it? The actual fact goes something like "I love it too much I can't stand the fact that it's unreal". Why does this always happen to me? Aphrodite hates me that much? Did I offend cupid in some way I didn't realize? And why must it happen to me consequently? Look. I really like this dude and I've been through a lot this year. Why can't it be simple? Of course, if it's simple. It's not LIFE.

Maybe this isn't working. I've heard stories, tales, whatever from so many people. About being patient and things will work accordingly. But how can it work, if I'm the only one who actually thinks there's something there and when the other party thinks non-living things are more important than me. I've had enough of guys treating me like that. It makes me plant wrong thoughts like "MEN ARE MORONS", "BOYS ARE JERKS" kinda thing.

T_________________T

Enough ranting. I'm a broken glass today. I'm broken everytime I see him around talking to others and ignoring me.

Fidelity

The 4 days away from the world was a total failure. =_= My part that is, but it seems like the world has no problem turning its back on me. * shrugs * So I consider myself on an "Under Construction" situation. I'm still seeking the right answer to all the questions that are in my head right now. Some I do know the answers, but I'm a weak little bastard (ain't never calling myself a bitch and I'm not a bastard so that doesn't count either) who is always in denial (see, not calling myself a bitch and stating 'bastard' makes the fact of being in denial clearer) O_O

So my mind has been in a mess lately. Ever since I'm sorta 'involving' myself with the thing called 'feelings' * barf * which I NEVER had. I repeat that;"NEVER". Well, if that is what they call 'feelings' well so be it. Come on, everyone knows Aki IS Stoic. I live accordingly to the thing called logic. And that's a fact. So I found out that I kinda... er ... am sorta (ok, I'm also thinking of how to actually 'express' or 'explain' this) got 'attached'(?) with some sort of a 'fiber-optic involvement'(?) no. Involvement is not the word. (still in denial eh?) Ok so I like somebody. There! I said it (with a strike-through). LIKE here refers to the type that makes u go gaga over everything. LOL!!!

I'm not sure if this thing is allowed. I'm not if I'm allowed to 'feel'. I mean. God gives us options. It really depends on us human. If i take it as positive as possible, will this be the right thing to do? Should I continue with having the thing they call 'feelings' which is currently intangible due to the fact that it's not physically possible and clearly not in front of my eyes? And the fact that I'm not sure what the other party is thinking because well, some people can change like the weather. Will I be able to live like this, when I keep hurting myself everyday and the fact that I actually am too close to this person would probably make this person feels like I'm invading their life? What am I to do then when I already know that somehow, this could be impossible?

I never liked anyone fully. I always do it halfheartedly because my 'logic' says "Hurt than be hurt". It seems like now, I'm having the reverse effect of my own logic. And fuck, it hurts like hell. I'm definitely contemplating this. I've been thinking about it. I either should stop the whole stabbing-the-heart-parade. OR. I could wait. If I wait, how much time can I give myself? Please God. I need an answer. T____T Well, truth be told. HE already did show me signs. I just need to be patient, that's all.

What Athrun Zala and I have in common

What is the most disturbing thing that bothers you in your entire life?

This is probably a general question. If you think it's boring, then stop reading. I'm sure everyone has their own odd answers with very odd but good reasons to what they are about to come up with. As for me, I find this one particular thing very disturbing. It hurts me entirely and I'm sure for me this is the only thing I (or maybe everyone) want to avoid of being or treated as. The one thing that bothers me the most in life is being a deuteragonist.

Although I'm not the type that really works her ass off to be the first in everything, at least to some people and some things which I think is important to me, I want to be first among others. Born in a small family as a SECOND child (also the youngest) doesn't give me any priority at all to being the first. As sad as how the story will go (oh gosh, here comes the emo Aki) being who and where I am today, doesn't change the fact that I am STILL, at least if not, the second in everything.

My brother, Kuro-nii is the first born son in the family. The first grandson. The first to get married. The first to have kids. The first to have the FIRST born son. Sigh. Ok, so that's how his book of life is written. Everyone should be happy about it right? And as for me, I do have some "First" of my own, which also contributed to some of the success stories in the family, but of course, it's not as significant. More like a "meh..." * shrugs * and the things that I achieved, will be seconded by others. And these clones actually did better, well, maybe close to it but not better.

As a normal human being who is self-conscious about everything and of the surroundings, I sometimes, no, most of the time, compare myself to almost everything and everyone. Some think, this is normal and healthy but we work our mind to the furthest extend. One can never be satisfied with what they have. So, I usually compare myself (or the love my parents give) to what my brother (and his family) receive. For example, Mom sometimes mistaken my sports day to Kuro-nii's. He did outshines everyone on the track and he was the "BEST" runner in both primary and secondary school. He always got FIRST in class. Unlike me, I don't run. I jump. The only sport I participated in primary school was long jump. And I got... THIRD. And Mom said, "Abang not only ran in school, I think he did long jump too". Well, he never did long jump. He only RUNS, MOM. =_= Sometimes, the smallest thing ruined my castle in the sky. Which made me come to the conclusion of not being loved by Mom and Dad. Okay, I know that sounded pathetic.

So, when I was in a relationship, I was also being treated as secondary to other things. Like WORK, for example. Did you know how much that hurts, to be compared to things. Intangible things. Also, to be forgotten.What of all the things and time I have sacrificed? (I'm gonna skip this part. I'm tearing up T___T)

I am not a good person and that's a fact. And I've always wanted to improve myself and not be stagnant. I am also human and fragile inside as a matter of fact. (I may be grunge on the outside. haha) So, I never dreamed of being the heroine in any movie or drama or anime or manga. I just want to be remembered. For who I am. For what I did. For what I have given. For some things and for some people that I adore, I just wish to be that one thing that at least to the point of importance, if not primary. But never a secondary below other things.

The sky isn't friendly today

I feel so dead. If I'm not sane (in which I'm almost at the limit) I would have just slit my wrist and die horribly and let my soul be damned eternally. Thank God, I have that 1% sanity left in me before I do something stupid like jumping off the 26th floor of my apartment or something like that. Sigh... you must be wondering "Why the solemn, deadly, suicidal talk?!" Don't worry, I won't do it. I don't have the guts to do it. Trust me.

I'm wrapped in despair. I think my brain is melting. My heart has gone dark. I'm lost.


. . . . .

This is not the time to listen to Banjiya Blues, Kono Yaro!

Okay, for you ppl who knows what I'm going through today might be saying "Oi, sempat gik nya ber-blog ritok". Yeah.. I know, stress. Stress. Very stress. I mean, I don't see why. But I might be putting too much hope to this or maybe because it's been a long time since I last faced this, but whatever it might be, I will be facing it in about 4 hours time. (Sweaty palms....)

Again, I've been stopping myself from listening to Banjiya Blues today. (Bad omen!) Yeah. I'm a freak. Shoot me. I'm rambling now... I hope I won't ramble later. I hope to rumble though. Hahaha!! I must nail this. Whatever the outcome is, I should just be neutral about it. Or I'll be depressed for the rest of my life. (And I should go watch some soap later...)

Getting into the Blues....

Oh No. (Oh yes!) I'm seriously into the "Seishun Banzai" mode. Been listening to Banjiya Blues (Gintama OST) the whole week. It's like a driver to depression and then to more hopeful future. I have to get out of here as soon as possible. I don't think I can take another second in this position. Unfortunately, something is very very wrong with me. I can't make a move. Rather, the 'move' is very very slow. Everytime I think about returning to the current position, I will feel like crying a river, no... a sea.

I don't know how it all begun but I know I hate to be here. Maybe when I heard those words from ano kuso yaro, maybe then the trigger was pulled. I know I've been clinging on the rope for so long but I can never decide whether I should let go or still hold on to it despite the pain. I know. I'm pretty pathetic. I don't need a reminder. Sometimes I think of why I'm still here. Eventhough I told myself to only give it another year. This time, I'm pretty sure I cannot take it anymore. My soul is definitely crumbling.

A little something for the heart...

I have this routine of going out every morning on weekends to Starbucks to have breakfast just to feed my eyes with cute baristas get my ass out of the house. (And please... the first reason is totally valid). Starbucks used to have super hot and cute baristas. Cute baristas is the main attraction of Starbucks. LoL. Okay. I'm kidding about that. Starbucks have a range of coffees and teas which are superbly delicious. Not forgetting the juices and the snacks. OMFG. Now I know why I love going here.

Putting that aside, last Friday we had a blast at Eja's Hen Night Party. It was supposed to be a night in (and out) with a few girls but it turned out to be the original four. Nevertheless, it was a wonderful night. We had Domino's and chickens and deserts and Bruno. Owh.. Bruno. I can't really comment on that. One of us suggested that it was the closest to Male Stripper we can get. LOL. Yeah... It was. But after the show, we were desperately looking for another movie to neutralize our mind.

I haven't had a good time since Bon Odori 2009. Well, I guess you can say it depends on who you hang out with. And if those bunch are the ones who really understands you, then spending time with them will be the best.

I still owe myself a cake for my birthday. LOL.

And in November, I plan to visit someone (who is currently holding the 'taisetsu na hito' place in me). Yeah yeah. A couple of 'taisetsu na hito' has gone missing. The fact that these people think that I can't understand them well is well... so true. Because I don't. And I don't care anymore.
I want to be random again. Since I got the news that I'm terribly sick, I think I should not think about being sick or the fact that I'm sick. LOL. It will only hold me back from doing all the good2 things I can do in life. So, since the doctor said that I should be well soon. I should be all genki and be happy. Rite?


Enjoy life to the fullest!

Shinra's Curse

It's fairly normal for me and the rest of my family to talk about nonsense and laugh together after break-fast. By then, I'd be really stuffed with food and water that I can't even breath what more to say laugh my head off. Somehow yesterday night wasn't really normal and wasn't really fine with me. We were talking about getting old and yet again, my mother never seize to remind me about getting married, have kids and stuff. She kept reminding me that I'm turning 25 another year older by the end of this month.

I was a bit disturbed by that statement. You know. I told my mom, if there's anything God would give me as a sign of aging I'll accept wrinkles but not having some foreign colour hairgrowth on my head. Very picky aren't we? Well, I love my hair. I don't mind it having ONE of a different colour from the original as in the whole head, but not one or two or three of different colour sticking out from the whole head. So my mom (in her joke tone) said "What if there is one or two growing on your head now". I confidently replied, "Well, that can't be happening. I'm still young." And she stood up and started flipping my hair layer by layer. AND...

Image: Shinra's Curse

There it was, the discovery of the thin platinum protien filament that actually grew (was growing) on my head without me realizing it. Chrys said Shinra's curse is contagious. It's either that or I'm turning into Sephiroth~