Misadventure...

Okay. I'm currently sitting in a cafe, far far away from my house (okay, not really) but what matters is how i got here and what actually happened. It started with me, being unhappy at work because I wasn't rewarded for my effort last year.Of course, it isn't fair! You dont have to guess how I feel right now. So I got sick suddenly and I had problwm breathing. I went back early. Taking my heart with me. i wasnt happy. I decided to leave work, and took the bus home.I took the one I never hitched before. And... i got lost. =_=

Venting =_=

I'm not gonna deny how screwed up of a person I am. It's when I'm really in deep shit, only will I think of God. Not that I don't have Him in my mind and heart. Well, you know what I mean. For those who read this and think they are like me, well, we are human, as long as we realized it, we're ok. For those who read this and think they are not like me (which means, you think you're superior, awesome and pious) well, good for you, may you be like that for the rest of your life. Now, how many of you think life is unfair (ah... no need to throw popcorn)

They say, God gives you challenges and difficulties in life only when He knows that you can handle it. How and what you should do depends on you. Sometimes (most of the time, I mean) I can handle it well. But a triple combo buried me deep into the ground, I think it will take some time for me to get up and start walking again. Most of the time I feel used and abused. Sometimes, I feel blessed with people I have around me who supports me in everything I do and back me up when ever I'm in deep shit.

Sometimes, we can't stop people from labelling us or thinking we're some kind of an alien. It's what they call "Freedom of Speech". I was once called a "Venusian" by an unidentified microorganism (who isn't so human himself... jeez.. ). Sometimes I wonder, what I did wrong, so bad that it seems like the whole universe is going against me. (oh well =_= i think everybody feels the same. ) I've never felt so much hate and discrimination against me before. Who am I to complain when I have nothing at all and I'm just a mere human being who isn't as great as any other I know.

I'm not asking to be defended because I don't think I did anything wrong that I need someone to defend me. If God wanted me to be born this way, then does anyone has the right to question God's will?
If you question what is written in the book of fate, doesn't that make you go against God? I'm very disappointed, sad and depressed with the whole situation and I don't usually bother about it, but this time, it's a big thing for me.

Btw, on an unrelated matter, after 26 years, my mom still doesn't understand me. I'm disappointed. But well, by saying this, it must have sounded like I'm that kind of kid, you know. The Bad Kid Who Is Never Thankful For Everything She Got. blegh. See how people judge, from the outside. They never ask! They Assume. Now you wanna ask about the reason behind the rapid increase in statistics of educated individuals in mental institutions or suicidal cases in the world? You should know the answer already. Because no one listens.

Well I have to agree with the counter measure people take in avoiding these kind of cases like having those 1-800-call-me-if-u-feel-like-jumping-off-a-building care-line. But, what these people need is to talk and understood by people they love.

(Just to be clear,This is NOT a suicide note =_=) But I do feel like cutting it short is the simplest way to forget everything. More like, not living at all. Like Freddie said "Mama.... I don't wanna die, but sometimes wish I've never been born at all"

You've never heard of Green Day (LOL. Good Riddance is a song)

THIS POST IS LONG OVERDUE =_=

It kinda surprised me that some people think of themselves as God. Okay maybe the way I put it sounds wrong. Put it this way. It kinda surprised me that some people just can't forgive. Some people think the world revolves around them not the other way around. Some people can hate others like it's their job. Some people are so sexist that they didn't even realize they are born from a mother, which is a woman. Some people are... ( creatures unclassified).

This is not a rage post, it should be categorized under "Realization and Respect".

Lately, I've been busy living the best out of life and yes, I have found my source of happiness (omedetou soshite, omedetou to me). And God knows what I have to go through to achieve this. In the process, I've been heartbroken, crushed, re-lived, crushed again for many, many times and yet, it's the same person that I almost gave up upon that made me happy til today (thank you dear =)). Somehow, as we gain, we lost. I lost a friend along the way (well, if you put it in a way that won't sound mean, this person was a friend, at least, I thought he was).

I've always thought a person who talks shit about others by not confronting them are fuckers and has no balls (if he is a male, and not a she-male, that is). I also hate people who talk shit about other people in their blog and tell "unfortunate" tales about themselves by vomiting vulgar words and playing "victims" in the eyes of people who don't know them. But most of all, I hate people who are cowards and can only yap in the back but turn into dried plums when confronted. No. More like, running with their tail between their legs.

So this one person (non existence?) talked about "that certain someone" in his blog twice. TWICE. yeah, talk about being clingy and all (told u he still sayang you, dear. LOL. J/K) Was he that upset about "that certain someone"? if he is, then why not tell him in his face?! Coz blogging about it doesnt help, really. Talking shit about others behind their back only happens in high school, between 14 years old GIRLS. Also, if you don't like/ don't favour "that certain someone", you don't go deleting others that are associated with them, if you think the others are your friends. Wait, you don't have friends do you? Because you hate humans? Oh, and you also hate FEMALES because we're from VENUS, right, we're aliens. How can I forget that fact! D:

So this Non-Existence, thought of me as a friend, but not anymore. Because I'm in a relationship with "that certain someone" and he said, I showed him the side of me that he doesn't know. hahahahahaah!!!! Which side of me DO YOU KNOW? Did you even know me at all? This is so funny really, it all started that particular day. If I remember what happened that day....

1) Non-Existence called me the night before "that certain someone" asked me out and asked me why I agree to meeting with "that certain someone" when i hate "that certain someone" so much. Here's news for you Non-Existence, I FORGIVE PEOPLE ALTHOUGH THEY DID SHIT TO ME BECAUSE I'M NOT GOD AND I'M A MERE HUMAN BEING. I can't judge people and decide they are scums like you did.

2) I showed up at a certain cafe with "that certain someone" and didn't know Non-Existence was there. And according to some ppl who were there, he KNEW "that certain someone" was coming so he waited. Question: If you HATE "that certain someone", then why did you wait for his arrival? Because you loved him so much that you wanna create a shoujo manga scene and make me look like I'm the bitch who stole your boyfriend? Because u wanna play victim? Because U wanna be Ts-Tsu-Tsundere?! YOU FAIL! He stormed out of the cafe and he didn't even talk to me.

3) Non-Existence blocked me from Twitter and also others who are associated to me and "that certain someone" because he was heartbroken wait, wait he thinks he is Zeus and can erase ppl from the surface of the Earth. But of course, he can dream that doesn't sound right either. Because He IS AND EMOTARD. Come on, I'm not surprised anymore. This is not the first time he blocked me from Twitter. Friends don't do that. Scums and assholes do. If you think of me as a friend, you should talk to me instead of coming up with your bloody idea of "She's a bitch and she's in a relationship with the guy that I hate. So I hate her too". Don't pass judgement like you're a God.

By the way, you don't have to hide behind the Internet to talk shit about me or anyone. Just tell me to my face. You put the word "fuck" next to my name. You said you HATE me. Oh well. And Oh, why did u think I'm using this method as well, because I just wanna know how scums like you think. Now I realize, YOU DON'T THINK! Your mouth/hands move before your Brain does.

Last but not least,

Dear Non Existence, you just became a girl. Congratulations. Make a contract with Kyuubey (wait, wha-?)

AFT: Away From Twitter

So I have been missing from the Internet world for a bit. =_= This time, I took a break from Twitter. Unbelievable, I know. Hahaha. I used to have this "can't live without Twitter" thing but it faded. "Why?" I wonder. Twitter is addictive, I know. To me, my everyday routine would be to say "Ohayou!" to all my followers on Twitter, and that is the first thing I'll do even before I brush my teeth in the morning. And then, I'd be replying mentions (overdue would be at least within 12 hours =_=) or DMs. All day long, I'd be spouting sh*t on things I'd do and did or posting pictures but mostly spouting sh*t on Twitter. And of course, I'd say "Oyasumi" when I wanna go to bed or at least when I'm not sleeping on the keyboard (and have 'A' 'S' 'D' 'F' on my face in the morning). And for as long as it lasted, I got use to this life and it wasn't bad at all. Somehow, since last week, I sort of, got bored(?) no, that's not the word, more like I don't feel like going on Twitter. I don't wanna read stuff on Twitter because they make me go asdf for no reason at all D: and some things reminded me of stuff that shouldn't be happening at all.

Some reasons might be things like "I don't wanna read nonsense" or "stuff on Twitter makes me asdfasdf all the time" but everybody posts nonsense on Twitter and you can't help but be asdfied by it. Maybe I should specifically say stuff like "I don't wanna read nonsense from certain people, or a certain somebody". Then you will come up with stuff like "Just block/mute them" :3 I can't. Because my followers and the people I'm following are important to me. Maybe I'm trying my best to avoid some things. Things I couldn't say because it's too personal :3 Or maybe I'm just avoiding some people. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know why exactly.

Being too focused on it makes me feel like my life only revolves around it. It's as if I have no real life to run and my life runs on the computer. Not to mention I have to look at the computer almost 20hrs a day. like FUCK. Seriously, before there was Twitter (or the thing the call social networks), there's this thing called cellphones. And I was seriously satisfied with just text message alerts. But now, my phone doesn't rang as much and I don't often get text messages because ppl Tweet! D: And I check Twitter every second of the day, well, I used to D: (and I'm not that free... but then?! D: Naze? Naze na no? Naze na no yooooo???) I just can't get away from it! Oh just to add to that, Social Networks kill real friendships.

What makes me feel worse is, I'm pretty busy with work and all and when I come home every night, I see no one at home. Just furnitures. D: And what's the first thing I would do when I reach home? Login to Twitter and type "Tadaima". OTZ.... Yeah. That's when foreveralone.jpg comes in as a 15mb picture. Dinner? How about dinner you ask? Don't you go out with friends, you ask? Well, Dinner is : 1-300-88-6555(Nando's) or 1-300-888-333(Domino's) D: Everyone has their own life to run.

As complicated as it sounds, the easiest way to solve this is to... well, avoid it. To run away from it. To treat it as if it never existed! (OK. this is impossible). Re-evaluate my life. Set my priorities. I'm not 17! I'm 17 + 10!! D: And I have 1 grayhair! I know some ppl are worried about me because I suddenly disappear. I'm sorry guys, and don't worry about me. I'm fine. I just need time out. * hugs *

And to #Uchikazoku, Thank you for worrying about me, as the head of the family (cough) I'm sorry for disappearing without notice. I'll be back soon, I promise.

And to my friends: To those who texted my phone, you guys are the best! I get text message alerts! hahahahahaha!!! To those who constantly MSN-ing, gtalk-ing me to see if I'm ok, you guys are awesome. To those who asked around because they haven't seen me, you guys are great! Thank you.

To those who didn't even realize I've been missing, thanks for making me realize I'm not an important existence in you life. Arigatou, soshite arigatou.

P/s: Being away from Twitter is calming :3

x(restrictionsucks)+ y(a gazillion of unhappy things) / 0(1 happy thing)

Kids: Learn the formula in life

ASDFIED = x(restrictionsucks)+ y(a gazillion of unhappy things) / 0(1 happy thing)

Hello World?!: Restrictions? This is the gdamn 21st Century!

It's almost a week since kuso kaisha banned a lot of sites including * clearsthroat * echofon-ing. I mean, I do have another option, which is my phone, demo... chotto mendokusai na.. It's troublesome to switch from doing work on the laptop and then using the phone to reply all the mentions (or to vent anger/emo-ness) I feel dead. ( oh you must be wondering why i like to use the word "Dies" "Dead" lately. Hmm... no particular reason, except, try listening to Dream Theater's "The Spirit Carries On". You'll understand.)

I used to be frightened of dying. I used to think death was the end. But that was before, I'm not scared anymore. I know that my soul will transcend.

If I die tomorrow, I'll be alright because I believe that after we're gone, the spirit carries on.

Pfft. Ok. sounds so cult-y. But anyway, I wonder why they have to do these kind of things. We're not fucking kids! Let me tell you what I think, I think it made me less productive, more stressed and freaking feel like smashing my laptop! (PFT! It's just FUCKED UP you know. I just saw Hades checking out Channel V Asia for celebs news. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?!) These unfairness has gone too far. RESTRICTION in 'Hell' is not all about SITES. It's about fucking everything. Even day offs!

ASDF Level: 10/10


Hello Doomsday: Part I: In Deep Shit

Earth Hour Gig. Yes. Awesomeness. Just so happen that I'll be in Kuching that weekend. Dented is going to perform for that gig! YEAH! It's been years since my last gig. Yon, Go nen gurai? The songs that we're gonna perform are these 4:

1. D City Rock - PSG OST
2. I Just Threw Out The Love Of My Dreams - Weezer
3. (have yet to decide on this ) maybe lostphropets - last summer
4. Somewhere Over The Rainbow (Dented Version - One of them has to be Environment related song)

I'll be playing guitar for this Dented: Formation B gig. THE THING IS, I don't have a guitar to practice with and I barely have the time to. So I've been practicing on my HD Desire. Yeah, it is stupid. Don't ask. Don't even wonder. Which reminds me, I need to get a new bass. Oh, btw, the gig will be next week. Welcome To Hell.

ASDF Level: 5/10

Hello Doomsday: Part II: Tha....na....thos.....

Do you know what this character stands for: 冥王? It means: Hades. LOL.
So many work lately. So little pay (I seriously think I'm underpaid). So little time.
Maa, work isn't really that bad. It's just, it's related to (refer first part of the post)

ASDF Level: 10/10

Hello Doomsday: Part III: Naze..? Naze na no??? NAZE NA NO YOOOOOOOOOO????!!!

My Demon Pet Hates Me. I don't know what i did though. OTZ...

ASDF Level: 8/10


Hello Rakuen: After we're gone, the spirit carries on

He said something that made me happy. although it's just a simple sentence and the thought of him having thoughts about me is just HNGGGGGGGGHHHHHGHGHGHGHGHGH! (FINE. I'LL GET OVER IT) but let me stay happy for a bit, coz i know he didn't forget about me at least. The things I never thought he would do. =)))

ASDF Level: 1/10

Note: on a non-related subject, I've learned how to curse in Portuguese, thanks to my twin brother.

Out of sight, Out of mind?

My mother usually says something like "Out of sight, out of mind" when she talks to me over the phone, especially when I am far, far, far away from home just because she doesn't want me to feel sad or homesick. She said, chanting it everyday and planting it in my head would give me positive feedback so I can actually focus on the things I should be focusing on and not be distracted by petty things like missing my cat or missing my bed or my loved ones.

NOT A POTTY ONE BUT YET ANOTHER EMO ENTRY OTZ. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
So this thing happened to me 3 days ago where it almost killed me inside. I thought it did. I've been suffocating and wrapped in this vacuum-like confusion for almost a month now. Walking on a narrow fence, thinking which side to fall to. I never dare to pull the trigger because I don't want to lose what I hold dear but somehow the other side cut loose. Without any explanation. Without telling me why. I was too shocked to think and react. I didn't know why the other side did that. We did sorta have a small argument, not even an argument I think. I stopped questioning. I finished the whole thing with just one statement "Sou...". Yup. Just "Sou..." and the other side had to justify themselves. Why... If you did not do that, the argument wouldn't have break and we would still be at peace wouldn't we?

And so the other side found the shortest solution. Just like someone I knEw from long ago who also did the same thing to me. Blocked/Deleted me from contacts. Is it me or this is ONE FAMOUS GODDAMN SOLUTION? So you think this solves everything?

I don't wanna go through this again after the first time. BUT IT REOCCURRED. Funny isn't it?? If you talk about KARMA, I never once EVER DELETED A GODDAMN SOUL in my contacts. NEVER. It makes me think that people are morons. Real people are morons and selfish being. Some people don't like to be appreciated and they probably hate it that you're being concerned, affectionate towards them. It's not troublesome. It's not annoying. It's not irritating. Only those with a stone heart would think so.

So back to, "Out of sight, out of mind". I believe my mother's theory doesn't work on me. Even when the other side is 'out of sight' they still remain in my brain. I tried suppressing it for 3 days. I cracked the shell last night. I admit that I miss the other side but there is nothing I can do about. It's up the them.

!@#$%^&*

Do u know how it feels like being mindfucked everyday?

Try jumping off the nearest cliff.

What Athrun Zala and I have in common

What is the most disturbing thing that bothers you in your entire life?

This is probably a general question. If you think it's boring, then stop reading. I'm sure everyone has their own odd answers with very odd but good reasons to what they are about to come up with. As for me, I find this one particular thing very disturbing. It hurts me entirely and I'm sure for me this is the only thing I (or maybe everyone) want to avoid of being or treated as. The one thing that bothers me the most in life is being a deuteragonist.

Although I'm not the type that really works her ass off to be the first in everything, at least to some people and some things which I think is important to me, I want to be first among others. Born in a small family as a SECOND child (also the youngest) doesn't give me any priority at all to being the first. As sad as how the story will go (oh gosh, here comes the emo Aki) being who and where I am today, doesn't change the fact that I am STILL, at least if not, the second in everything.

My brother, Kuro-nii is the first born son in the family. The first grandson. The first to get married. The first to have kids. The first to have the FIRST born son. Sigh. Ok, so that's how his book of life is written. Everyone should be happy about it right? And as for me, I do have some "First" of my own, which also contributed to some of the success stories in the family, but of course, it's not as significant. More like a "meh..." * shrugs * and the things that I achieved, will be seconded by others. And these clones actually did better, well, maybe close to it but not better.

As a normal human being who is self-conscious about everything and of the surroundings, I sometimes, no, most of the time, compare myself to almost everything and everyone. Some think, this is normal and healthy but we work our mind to the furthest extend. One can never be satisfied with what they have. So, I usually compare myself (or the love my parents give) to what my brother (and his family) receive. For example, Mom sometimes mistaken my sports day to Kuro-nii's. He did outshines everyone on the track and he was the "BEST" runner in both primary and secondary school. He always got FIRST in class. Unlike me, I don't run. I jump. The only sport I participated in primary school was long jump. And I got... THIRD. And Mom said, "Abang not only ran in school, I think he did long jump too". Well, he never did long jump. He only RUNS, MOM. =_= Sometimes, the smallest thing ruined my castle in the sky. Which made me come to the conclusion of not being loved by Mom and Dad. Okay, I know that sounded pathetic.

So, when I was in a relationship, I was also being treated as secondary to other things. Like WORK, for example. Did you know how much that hurts, to be compared to things. Intangible things. Also, to be forgotten.What of all the things and time I have sacrificed? (I'm gonna skip this part. I'm tearing up T___T)

I am not a good person and that's a fact. And I've always wanted to improve myself and not be stagnant. I am also human and fragile inside as a matter of fact. (I may be grunge on the outside. haha) So, I never dreamed of being the heroine in any movie or drama or anime or manga. I just want to be remembered. For who I am. For what I did. For what I have given. For some things and for some people that I adore, I just wish to be that one thing that at least to the point of importance, if not primary. But never a secondary below other things.

Things people take to the furthest extend

I remember way back before we have all these social networking sites and Internet was not as amusing as now, the only way people bitch about others was to gossip privately among a group. Hahahaha! If they have guts, they would write them a letter (very high school-like * rolled eyes *) and bitch about them in there. And if they have bigger guts, they would definitely face them on and well.. catfight!

Since there are things like mySpace, Friendster and Facebook, we can see that many fights/quarrels/lawsuits break just because one can't stand the other just by reading status posted on each other's wall. A friend began to call it FaceBITCH instead, because that's where people bitch about each other PUBLICLY most of the time nowadays. So many virtual crimes happened from these social networking sites. People may intentionally or unintentionally posted things that could offend others in so many ways. Of course, nobody's pointing fingers at anyone, but since these social networking sites aren't controllable and the Internet are uncontrollable and humans are well.. never will be controllable, what can be done?

If you read the newspaper daily, you would at least come to at least one news about fraudulent especially the ones from the Internet. One which involve social networking site are mostly about Women and Men who seek for attention to fulfill desire (whatever desire it is, I'm not gonna go further explaining these stupid things). There was this one case I read (on the newspaper, of course) about this one lady who offer sex service for beasts men who are interested or more like desperate. (According to the report on the newspaper) On her profile, she posted sexy alluring photos of her i mean of "her" to attract customers. From the newspaper, a cover-baik-punya-pervert dude said, he was trying to trap the girl by asking her to meet him for service. He even bargain with her about the price and then banked-in some cash to her account. He then went to the place they were supposed to meet but she didn't show up. (Seriously, who would fall for that kind of trick? Maybe the cover-baik-punya-pervert dude who was trying to trap her was too ugly). Anyway, turned out that the "babe" that offered the service was well.. a big size attention seeker who really has nothing to do except trick perverted guys who also has nothing to do because both have nothing to do except abuse the good use of Internet. Why would anyone, do such a thing? For money? For attention? And then? Is it satisfying? Is it good to trick perverts, I mean people? We were given all these facilities not to do stupid things (yeah.. I like to use the word stupid because I'm trying not to swear too much) like these morons? Have your parents not teach you about manners?

That's one case. There are plenty more out there which are outrageously, beyond what you call, normal thinking. Another one which also caught my attention (because some people are born with their brain on their xxx) are the ones where two people met online, online dating, met each other (or not) and then the guy/girl has huge corporation and then he/she went traveling, then was mugged, then asked for money because he/she need to see clients and pay whatever shit. And because of foolishness love, they would do anything where they would bank in the large amount of money into the "significant other"'s account and then in the end, they never hear from them again. (OK. that was long) Again, what's wrong with these people? I mean, not everyone's like me. Ignorant, stoic, indifferent. Right. Let's not start. But still, how can so many, seriously THAT MANY women especially, get fooled by people you don't see physically? First of all, how can you be in a relationship with people you can't physically see, touch? * shook head *

Speaking of the things that can offend people intentionally/ unintentionally. Lately, they have been soooo many cases where people love to write offensive things on their profile. Things that emit racism for example. People would say this race is better than this. Or stuff like that. But think about it, when you say it like that, does that make YOU a better person? Why can't people see each other as human? We are mere creation of God. Why can't people stop labeling people?

There are just some random thoughts I have for today. =_=" But I'm just too sleepy to continue and I wanna watch my Anime. XD
Besides, I don't really like to talk shit about other people. I'm just making a general opinion.
Until then.

The sky isn't friendly today

I feel so dead. If I'm not sane (in which I'm almost at the limit) I would have just slit my wrist and die horribly and let my soul be damned eternally. Thank God, I have that 1% sanity left in me before I do something stupid like jumping off the 26th floor of my apartment or something like that. Sigh... you must be wondering "Why the solemn, deadly, suicidal talk?!" Don't worry, I won't do it. I don't have the guts to do it. Trust me.

I'm wrapped in despair. I think my brain is melting. My heart has gone dark. I'm lost.


. . . . .

Selfish brats should go home and cry to their mamas

I totally hate it! You know, when you treat people nicely, yet they still talk shit about you. Like complain about you to every single person they know (and you know) . It's just crap. How can such human being exist? After all you did (without asking for anything in return) they still talk like f*ck about you to others. Seriously, this type of people should go jump off a cliff or something.

This one person, I know all my life, likes.. no.. love to do these kind of things to me. So, I decided to never be nice to this person anymore. I don't care anymore that this person complain, talk shit, made me sounded like an evil witch to everyone in this world. I totally don't care anymore. I hope this person will leave me alone soon. (I know, soon is very soon) And I can't wait.

Follow The Arrow

I'm in the mood to write now. Eventhough I barely have anything in hand (or in my head) I just feel like writing. I felt a bit down though, I just came back from a few KM walk up the hills with my running partner, Ili. My Nike Trainees gave me a blister. Tch. And above all, I'm having a hard time coping up with my current financial crisis (not much of a crisis but to me it is) and I think I'm starting to hate my current state. (I know, both of those are not related with running. I just need to let it out)

I came home and sat in front of the laptop. I was glad I cleaned the bathroom this morning. (Quotes Gintama Episode 113: Washing the toilet is like cleansing the soul) I had a long aromatic shower. After the long aromatic shower, (yes, I have to emphasize on that) I put on some music. AND I opted for an English song. I saw Rosi Golan - Follow the Arrow in one of my song folders.

It finally cleared up the clouds in my head... a little