Final Post 2010: Short & Meaningful. (At least to me it is)

It's that day of the year again. Yes, the last day of December, the last day of the year and usually people will come up with new year resolution and such. Well, I used to do that. This year somehow, let's make it subtle and real. Rather than overlooking the whole year, I wish to divide it into short term goals. LOL. And for year 2011, I won't ask a lot from myself and people around me.

1) I wish to stay healthy the whole year. I hate to be sick all the time. Which means, I promise to take care of myself and I promise I will eat. hahaha!!! Yes I promise.

2) I want to make a huge turn before June 2011. Which means, I wanna do something big. I've had enough of being a midget. Not that I'll grow tall or anything of that sort lololol~, that would be a wonder.

3) I want to make amend. Especially to him. I wish that things will go back to how it used to be. That would mean a lot to me because I missed all the things we shared and the time we spent together, although it's intangible because I can't seem to forget it all and pretend it never happened. (If you're reading this, I hope you'll forgive me for everything. You know who you are)

Out of sight, Out of mind?

My mother usually says something like "Out of sight, out of mind" when she talks to me over the phone, especially when I am far, far, far away from home just because she doesn't want me to feel sad or homesick. She said, chanting it everyday and planting it in my head would give me positive feedback so I can actually focus on the things I should be focusing on and not be distracted by petty things like missing my cat or missing my bed or my loved ones.

NOT A POTTY ONE BUT YET ANOTHER EMO ENTRY OTZ. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
So this thing happened to me 3 days ago where it almost killed me inside. I thought it did. I've been suffocating and wrapped in this vacuum-like confusion for almost a month now. Walking on a narrow fence, thinking which side to fall to. I never dare to pull the trigger because I don't want to lose what I hold dear but somehow the other side cut loose. Without any explanation. Without telling me why. I was too shocked to think and react. I didn't know why the other side did that. We did sorta have a small argument, not even an argument I think. I stopped questioning. I finished the whole thing with just one statement "Sou...". Yup. Just "Sou..." and the other side had to justify themselves. Why... If you did not do that, the argument wouldn't have break and we would still be at peace wouldn't we?

And so the other side found the shortest solution. Just like someone I knEw from long ago who also did the same thing to me. Blocked/Deleted me from contacts. Is it me or this is ONE FAMOUS GODDAMN SOLUTION? So you think this solves everything?

I don't wanna go through this again after the first time. BUT IT REOCCURRED. Funny isn't it?? If you talk about KARMA, I never once EVER DELETED A GODDAMN SOUL in my contacts. NEVER. It makes me think that people are morons. Real people are morons and selfish being. Some people don't like to be appreciated and they probably hate it that you're being concerned, affectionate towards them. It's not troublesome. It's not annoying. It's not irritating. Only those with a stone heart would think so.

So back to, "Out of sight, out of mind". I believe my mother's theory doesn't work on me. Even when the other side is 'out of sight' they still remain in my brain. I tried suppressing it for 3 days. I cracked the shell last night. I admit that I miss the other side but there is nothing I can do about. It's up the them.

.... toriaezu Sayonara ....

WARNING: THIS POST IS FULL OF POTTY LANGUAGE. KEEP READING IF YOU FEEL BEING MINDFUCKED IS EQUALS TO EATING ICE CREAM. THANK YOU. AGAIN. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I'm currently very free from work and task. Although I may seem free everyday but trust me, I'm NEVER free. I'm always working, doing coding, cracking my head on Java shits and stored procedures. Like all the time. People see me tweeting every minute and thought all I do all day is tweet (that might be true but...), well, unlike some people, no matter how fucking busy I'm with work, I have time for everything and everybody else. And of course, I need distractions to keep me awake all afternoon. So thanks twitter, tweeples and Olympians for hangin' out with me on twitter lately. Kansha shimashita. I'm gonna be away from twitter and other social networking/im(s) for some self-reflection/realization trip (which was intercepted not too long ago, because I was a fool, and I got carried away by the thing they call fling. Trust me, it WAS the most beautiful thing until you realized that it was TOO GOOD to BE TRUE). I actually don't feel like posting anything on the blog either because I'm still in "Upset-mindfucked-used-abused-hated-unwanted-ignored" mode. This would probably be a self-centered, depressing, fugly, cruel, crappy, shitty, assholic, potty post I've ever done so far, so please... bear with me, if you're reading.. that is.

So, you must be wondering "Why?" or "What's up?" or "what the hell happened?" or shits like that. Or maybe you don't give a fuck either like most people because, my existence is like a tiny stem of dandelion's florets. There are many reasons to why I'm being like this recently. One would be being "stagnant". Stagnant in the sense of not moving at all, in whatever state of being. Be it life, cashflow, career, friendship, relationship (doesn't have to be lovers =_= it can be any relationship, family, friends, colleagues, bosses, just to name a few), environment, life (oh did i mention that already?) sigh. But that's not really the real reason to it. That's just some part of it. The things that I realized have changed in me were my state of mind(over-analyzing things), my emotion (being too fucking sensitive) and my stoicness (has gone down the gutter!)

Until a week ago, right after my birthday, I've had the shiniest soul on the planet. I was the happiest midget in the universe, I was the girl who would laugh and smile everyday for no reason at all. I was the girl who would be happy if sadness comes around ONLY by having that particular thought in mind. I was the girl who would stare at blankness just to recall the things that was said to me previous nights before. I was the girl who would sleep at 7.30pm just to stay awake from 12am til morning for that one reason alone. I was the girl who would go to work looking like a dead zombie bride but with that little cheer on my face, I looked more like a baby panda. I was that girl who slept on top of my laptop just to wait for that "POP" on my IM in the middle of the night. I was that somebody I wanted to be for the longest time. The Happy Girl.

After some time, everything faded. To me at least. Things went from warm, fuzzy, yellowish, daisies and sunshine to cold, frosty, dark blue-ish, snowy winter. I have no idea why I feel this way, but I've faced this more than a gazillion times in this 26 years. I know how it works and what to expect. Somehow, I just can't handle it anymore. Everything was too good to be true and it's like the banner you see on a sale, "For Limited Time Only".

Maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe I do over-analyze things. But I know when I'm not wanted. I just want to be told that's all. If I'm invading someone's life, I just want to be told. If I'm too close and if I made them uncomfortable, I just want to be told. I might (maybe, I'm not really sure how to put this, because, I'm not an expert in this department) 'like' the things that's been going on, and to me, it's totally misleading. I want the truth. Not cover up. No sugary layers.

I've had enough of being Athrun Zala! I've always been an Athrun to everyone. IT FUCKING SUCKS! Once in a while I want to be a Kira or a Setsuna or a Lelouch or a Luffy. I've always put everyone above me but have I been appreciated for what I've done? NO. Have I changed after I realized how damning and cruel it is for me? NO. And have I stopped putting people that I care about above me when they don't fucking care about me? NO. I have never stopped caring.


Ok. This shall end here. In the end, I'm still lost. I don't know what to do and I will keep on growing mushrooms in my bedroom until I rot. I've been so emo lately, I really don't know why.

The one thing I know for sure and the one thing I don't want to fluctuate or be stagnant is, this feeling I have towards that one particular reason. The only reason I still have to believe that everything happen for a reason and it's all good. And as much as I'm being upset with whatever that's been happening in which to that reason is nothing, but to me is something, my mind will never change.

Forgive me for being such an ass these days. For being Immature. For being Impatient. For being such a baby. For being such an annoying existence. For being irritating. For being troublesome. For not being understanding. For being a horrible person. Hontou ni gomen nasai m(_ _)m

!@#$%^&*

Do u know how it feels like being mindfucked everyday?

Try jumping off the nearest cliff.