Blardy Hawt. Fark.

I created another commotion in my life last few weeks and I realized the big little idiot inside of me was the one who had orchestrated the dramatic performance that day. The little piece was generously performed by my little fingers which danced gracefully pathetically but hard on the keyboard, typing the words from hell one by one as my eyes intensely stared on the screen of my dusty laptop reading those words fluently from my brain and was oblivion to the current state I was in. Was I being furious? Was I expecting something? I never knew. It was too ugly beautiful to be seen by laymen's eyes.

Still wondering now, what might be the driver to have gotten my legs into this sticky mud. I don't think I am desperately in need of contemplating my life, because as far as I am concerned, it hasn't gone anywhere far. I'm still standing in the same spot, each and everyday doing the same thing, seeing the same thing expecting the same thing. It bores me. Everyday in the middle of nowhere, the wind whispers. I keep standing still. Wondering whether I should listen to them. In the morning, I will be standing up straight, power up to start a new day. I would probably be half asleep, yet every morning I'd be ready to face the sun. But I can't move. I'd be there standing until the sun goes back to sleep.

I had a stupid an interesting conversation with someone who shall not be named. We were talking about the past. Something normal people would do. Talk and laugh about it. Somehow, it went overboard and the conversation became a little more serious. I was hoping that my laptop would ran out of battery, but it was on plug. I desperately want to run away from the conversation, because I can no longer say anything. I uttered a curse under my breath. Though the other person can't hear me, I settled it with a whisper. Why oh why did I ever mention it?

In another unrelated matter, I've just lost it to myself. My stoic shell cracked today and it's just ugly. I've been trying so hard to suppress it. I mean, it did crack before but today it almost breaks. There are a few things which i consider as nuisance in life.

1) when people u trust turn their back on u
2) when things that you thrown away are recollected
3) when things that you like are taken away from you

Things say like, my favourite hang out place, my favourite things to do, my favourite pose and my favourite people. Yes. I've finally took the left turn today and when things are already ugly, i tend to make it worse in this situation. *sigh*

Save me oh saints of stoicness before it's too late

Rabbit's hole

Hey, it's June already. (June means birthdays, no public holiday and boredom). My sis in law just gave birth to a healthy baby girl yesterday(4th June 2009). OMEDETOU~ I just can't wait to go home and squish the little cheeks. Today's Dad's birthday, again OMEDETOU!. He was wishing that the baby will be born today. Too bad. She can't wait to see this corrupted world. Ah ah.. Anyway, today's topic's a bit boring and a bit longer than usual. You don't have to read it if you don't want to. It's just some useless rambling. I was too bored and pissed and I thought I have some things to share. As usual, again, something to ponder about and before I start I would like to announce: THE ENTRY BELOW HAS NO RELATION WITH ANYONE DEAD OR ALIVE. THANK YOU.

How to get away from memories of people that meant the world to us? You'd probably think "What kinda shit is Akira gonna write about this time?" Yes. This kind of shit.

"HE MEANS THE WORLD TO ME" ARC
When you think that someone is everything to you, you'd do anything for that person and yet to him, you're just some piece of dirt stuck in between his shoe sole, something he's trying to get rid off since the first day he knew you. You know this already, you've been asking people around you, telling them stories, pissing yourself with all the negative things and yet you still cling to him like you'll die when he leaves you (Correction: he can't leave you unless you are together right?). I think, unless you were in a relationship with the dude, for a year or two, then you'll get the license to howl as long as you want, as loud as you want and you can even turn yourself into a banshee, if you want to. But as long as the guy does not 'belong' to you, is not in a relationship with you, eventhough he treats you like a mistress, YOU ARE ONLY FRIENDS. Please. Keep. That. In. Mind. MEER FRIENDS.

"I SHOULD HAVE CONFESSED TO HIM" ARC
Ok, so you think you like him (Correction: You know you like him. You confessed to everone you're crazy over him. You confessed to everyone except Him). Both of you are like stuck together, anywhere, everywhere. Everyone thinks you're together. (which also makes you think that you're somewhat special to this ungrateful son of a b*tch) *clear throats* Excuse me. Reality check: To him. You're just a good friend. Being such a desperado, you decided to say unnecessary things to him to see how he reacts to it (with an excuse of just trying to calm yourself down and make you feel better) "We should be bestfriends forever" is the sort of thing you tell him. (Which is so so so wrong. You can tell AFTER you get together maybe, but not before letting him know how you feel or the other way around.) You were expecting him to say "Why? I like you, we're like more than that.... " those sort of shit. Instead, he says "OK". You become depressed. Your soul crumbles like you're facing Death. (yeah, i know a bit dramatic.But well, local expression frust menonggeng) You should have confessed to him. (It may sound easy, but it's not. I know. ) Or instead of feeling like some loser shithead, you should at least explain to him the real situation, just to clear the water. Now, you can never be friends with the dude, hang out with him like usual, can't stick around with your other friends because he will be there because he hates you gutless. Just to be clear, it's not healthy to express your ridicule feelings on text. Some people will think you're a lunatic. And seriously, people will be sick and tired of you. It's a fact, face it.

"I NEED A SHOULDER (OR TWO) TO CRY ON" ARC
Ok. Over to the "friends will be there to support me" part. So he hates you. You don't know where to turn to. Only your friends and trusted ones. One day, you told this friend everything. She on the other hand did not make it easier for you (well, she did try her hardest to brick up the facts of the situation, and yet, you don't want to listen). Ok.. you did. You listened to her. You cried to her. She calls you and asks how you were and how things are going because she cared. What makes her sad was the fact that you told others that she's trying to mess up with your head, scolded you for being stupid (well you deserve it) and what you were expecting from her was words of comfort. Well, let's face it. This friend does not want to tell you the guy is a jerk. She wants you to know it yourself. You don't need to be told what is already known. You just need a smack in the head. Wake up and smell the concrete. Face the reality. You know she was right all along. But you just can't digest it. You don't want to. You are in denial. And you blame her. You can list down the many people you asked for advice for. But the one you truly want to hear it from is, this one friend. But did you listen? No. You only made her so hateful.

"HE'S JUST A MEMORY... NOT" ARC
To him, you're probably just a piece of toilet paper to wipe his ass with and you should clear your head once in a while to get the real picture. How many times does anyone need to remind you of this? When a guy told you that he 'can't stand the sight of you', that means you should leave him alone. Stop writing weird messages to him and don't start putting up ridiculous status on Friendster or Facebook. Try to put yourself in his shoes. I bet you feel irritated too. It's fucking annoying. Even those people who are not involve in that circle thinks it's irritating. What more with the 'Every-10seconds-status-update'. Try to divert your mind to something else. The more you try to pull him towards you, the more he'll run away. Take the theory of how a piece of rubberband works. The more you pull it the more it will pull away. (courtesy of dear friend, Nana - 2002). When you decided to forget about him, that means you won't keep on reminding yourself of that bastard. Take this for example: I've forgotten about you. Do you think you have been forgetting someone if you keep on having the thoughts of that person every second of the day? That is pure torture.

WORDS OF ADVICE OR WHATEVER
I'm gonna be frank. I don't care if it hurts anyone. Like hell I care. I'm just gonna spit the truth.
Stop being pathetic. The world doesn't revolve around you. Stop thinking that you're the most unfortunate piece of shit that's living in this world. Because you're not. Don't be so depressed because of an asshole. There are many other good guys out there that will treat you better than that bastard (as said above). Of course, anyone would be frustrated after being treated like that. But don't be depressed for too long, you're just wasting life. Enjoy life as much as you can. Take a vacation. Drive to the beach. Aromatherapy. Go to spa. Retail therapy. Don't wait for anyone to have fun. And the most important part, LISTEN TO WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY AND THINK OF WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. Don't go on listening and then talk shit about others. Well, some people can't do what I can. So it might not give the same result. Follow your own pace, but don't take too long and waste your time. There just might be someone for you around the corner. You'll never know.

Weiß und Schwarz

I'm not really a fan of Gothic Shoujo/Loli shota anime or manga. (Ok. I lied) I mean. I 'm not a big fan but I don't mind reading or watching them. Last year, I was so into this series called The Earl Cain Series by Kaori Yuki. It has two parts, the first part of the series is called: The Cain Saga. The second part is called: Godchild. Though I only read the second half of the series, I can say it's damn good. (RIFF~~ *drools* )

Pic1: Cain Hargreaves of Godchild (volume 1 manga cover)

As always, I'm not a victor of heroes department. I always love characters who are not on the front page of every manga cover (except for Samurai Deeper Kyo, of course). P/S:Who doesn't like Kyo can go jump off the nearest cliff. Hahahah!! Ooopss.. another OOT from me. Tokorode, back to the main topic.

Recently, I've been reading another manga called Kuro Shitsuji or in English, The Black Butler and it is serialized in GFantasy. (SEBASTIAN!!!!~ *Drools* *Faints* *DIES*). Though it's not in tankoubon version yet for English translation, but scanlation version is just fine for me (Thank You to those who works hard on the scans! Good JOB!) I've been following the anime too and I love it. (Sebastian MOVESSS!!!!!!) *clears throat* Shitsurei shimashita... (*I won't mention his name again i promise... NOT*) Anyway, since Kuro Shitsuji is also set during the Victorian Era, it kinda made me realize the similarity to the manga Godchild.

Pic 2: Kuroshitsuji - Ciel Phantomhive and his loyal butler, Sebastian

Here's a bit of both Godchild and Kuro Shitsuji and the similarities of both manga.

1) Setting:
Both Godchild and Kuro Shitsuji are set during the Victorian Era in England.

2) All about the boy...
Both Godchild and Kuro Shitsuji focused on the young Hakushaku~ (though I guess Kuro Shitsuji focused more on... Sebastian~ Sebastiannnnnn~~~!!! >.< *clear throats* Sugi...) Godchild: Cain Hargreaves Kuro Shitsuji: Ciel Phantomhive

3) The HOT Butler
Good-looking, drop dead gorgeous, highly skilled, mysterious, hot BUTLER.
Godchild: Riffael Raffit
Kuro Shitsuji: Sebastian Michaelis

Pic 3: Riff and Cain of Godchild (Volume 5 manga cover)


Pic 4: Sebastian and Ciel of Kuroshitsuji

4) Jack The Ripper
Both Godchild and Kuro Shitsuji featured Jack The Ripper case.

5) Seriously freaky dudes.
Godchild: The Coffin Maker
Kuro Shitsuji: The Undertaker

6) Both Young Hakushaku reminded me of L'Arc~en~Ciel
Godchild: Godchild's main character, Cain Hargreaves really reminded me of Hyde of L'Arc~en~Ciel. I don't know which part, most probably the fashion sense. Hahaha.. Ah well, that's my opinion.
Kuro Shitsuji: Ciel Phantomhive from Kuro Shitsuji.... Ciel-chan, his name already hit me like a thunder :D

7) Boys acting as girls
Both Ciel and Cain dressed up as girls.

8) The Butler has another story
At least I know what's Riff's secret and his dark side (the real Riff). I'm not so sure about Sebastian, he's still a mystery. All I know about him is he's a demon.

9) The unwanted child
Godchild: Earl Cain was born from incestuous relationship of his father Alexis Hargreaves and his sister.
Kuro Shitsuji: Still a mystery. But through out the story Ciel Phantomhive is known to be an unclean child.


That's as far as the similarities I could collect, for now. I'm kinda on hiatus... With Kuro Shitsuji manga. There are so many things to read.... Hahaha... And I start collecting D.Gray-Man already. Though I already watched the series, it still doesn't satisfy me. I will need to re-read the manga and wait for the tankoubon version. I'll look into it later (Kuro Shitsuji that is) and I will hunt for more....

"Watashi wa akuma de, shitsuji desu kara....."


Note:
All graphics on Godchild are taken from Viz Media website.
All graphics on Kuroshitsuji are taken from various sources from the Internet

Being mean or just being honest?

Giving out an opinion about something is not as easy as thinking about it. It's either you say what you mean or say what needs to be said. Most people think that when giving out an opinion you have to think about how the receiver feels. But if that is so, why ask for opinion in the first place? Why do people who are asked about something needs to think about how to say to the person asking so that every detail being said will not hurt the other party?

Here's a simple normal case:

Someone you know asked you whether she should break up with her two-timing, 10 years boyfriend. The guy's been asking her to give him time because he loves her, and yet. And the girl loves him that she's willing to give him time.


Option 1: You tell her to think about it.... drag her deeper in misery. Because u think they look good together. And he is a nice guy, maybe it's just a misunderstanding. bla bla bla


Option 2: Just say it straight. Dump the dude. The misery only last a few days. There are many creatures in the lake other than the Lochness Monster. Not because u don't like the guy. Coz If it's you , you'd do that.

But what about how she feels? She's a good friend of yours. And maybe she's expecting a 'backsupport' from you when she's suffering. Maybe the guy will get back to her eventually. But what if he cheats again? (Please ignore any stoic traits) And if she listens to you, what if what you said was the opposite of what happens?

Maybe there should be an option 3. Like, keep quite about it and be the mean friend.

That's just a simple example. What if people starts asking you what to do with their life? Or how to live their life? Maybe we should start digging a big hole and hide in it. Hahaha...

Til next time.

The Trash and The Trasher

I've been thinking a lot about how my body is a walking trash can and it recently fail (almost failing) to filter grimes from all the foods I've been eating for the past 25 years. I usually don't care about these things (especially my health. That's not the first time and everyone around me knows that pretty well by now). The thought of me being killed by my own neglect forced me to start thinking about solutions on how to fix my body and soul that I have abandoned for so long. (I seriously had a rude awakening, that's the main reason).

My mother, who's very supportive with this decision (of course she is, she's been yapping all my life for me to realize this), took a head start. She cleans up the fridge (byebye Snickers, Ice Cream, nuggets, beef patties, sausages, cheese, carbonated drinks) and replaced all with fruits and veggies. I'm not a veggie person. I can eat, but I don't like it. I'm more of a meat person. But, due to this health thing, I have to like it and had made them my bestfriends. Munching on carrots and celery while watching Tears to Tiara is not one of my favourite things.

Pic 1: Weekly groceries- Talk about eating healthy :(

Pic 2: One of the daily lunchpacks - Raw Veggies, grilled beef and Vinaigrette

Pic 3: Dinner - Mom always try to make it as different and as interesting as possible

My first reaction was the same reaction when Hanii-senpai's cake was taken away from him by Morii-senpai. (Refer: Ouran High School Host Club Episode 12: "Hanii-senpai no Amakunai Mikkakan" (ハニー先輩の甘くない三日間) ) Except, instead of a mere cavity I have to unclog my whole digestive system. When I think about it, it's not like I never experienced a 'bloody encounter' before, in fact, it was a number of times. But why wasn't I aware of the condition of my 'soon-to-be-rotten-if-no-action-taken' body? Yeah... I'm just doing myself a little favour.

My everyday lunchboxes varies from many fashion of salad and dressings, raw veggies and fruits. It's painful at first, but my health's getting better. My sleep's getting better. NO MORE STRESS . Stress is not really out of hand lately. And I can keep myself sane most of the time. I can sleep peacefully at night and I wake up early most mornings. And I'm pretty happy about it.

**********************************************************************************

Last Thursday, I suddenly feel like watching X-Men. So I dragged my brother, his pregnant wife and the two year old Chib to One Utama to catch a 1am show. It's holiday the next day, and the cinema was packed. We didn't want to let Chib tag along coz it was late and we didn't think we could get tickets, but thanks to Chib (Seriously thanks to Chib) the phone-reserved seats were sold to us. And the nice guy who actually waited in the looooooooooooooooooooooong line for it was willing to buy it for us because he thinks Chib is cute. (Thank You Nice Guy at GSC who bought us tickets on Friday Morning!!!! m(_ _)m)

Pic 4: The four of us.

We arrived home at almost 4am and my brother had to go to work at 8 and he managed to wake up early and go to work with a fresh face (Congrates!!!). One the other hand, I was trashed in bed until 10. It was a holiday. So who cares?

The Fourth Avenue Cafe

The Fourth Avenue Cafe.

I first heard it on Rurouni Kenshin (Samurai X). I've never knew L'Arc~ en~Ciel back in 1998. I just knew the song, it's a freaking cool Japanese Song. And that time, I only heard it on TV, once a week on Saturday. Despite the hardship of waiting and missing episode(s) of Rurouni Kenshin on TV, I still managed to at least record it on tape (and it sounded like an elephant trying to sing with it's trunk full of boogers) aftermath. I have no idea how to get a Japanese song from the Internet, (heck, I don't even have a computer back then).

Mon, (Dented's Lead guitarist) was (is? was? is?..... still is ) a huge fan of L'Arc~en~Ciel and GLAY (and anything japanese) back in high school. She was the one who introduced me to Japanese Rock back in 2000 (when I just got a PC) and lent me an MP3 CD full of Japanese songs (God knows where she got these things). She tried to brain-washed me into listening to GLAY, but i just C-A-N-T. Hahha.. (ok.. maybe 2 songs). I only remembered 3 songs that I was so addicted to,

1) Again, The Fourth Avenue Cafe,
2) Heaven's Drive and
3) Gackt - Saikai ~story~

That's not the point of what I'm trying to write here.. hahaha

Actually, I'm saving up to get myself a new bass guitar.

Ibanez - GSR 200-BK/JB/TR is what I have in mind so far
Image from: Bentley Music

I've been dying to play The Fourth Avenue Cafe on bass. I mean... I know I suck (ok.. maybe not that bad) but I've been watching videos of those who played this bass line and they are AWESOME. Maybe not as good as Tetsu, but still, they managed to pull it off good. I was thinking either to get a bass or a guitar, but I guess I should get the bass first so I could continue what I have left. My skills are seriously rotten.

I'm not sure when I'm able to get the above mentioned, but I'm working on it. The ecomony now.... Gahh... I hope I'm able to get it by next year. (Or someone, please be kind enough to give me a PS3 that Ibanez for my birthday! LOL)

Signing off~

Blegh.

10 is enough to kill time:

1) I eat brinjals at least 3 times a week.
Explanation: I just love it. It's a must. Period.

2) When I watched 'The Gorgon' the other day a real snake was on it's way gliding through the window of my apartment. Reaction: Screamed and ran. Action: Hid in parents' room. Result: Dad went out and killed the serpent.
Explanation: I was laughing at Medusa's head coz the snakes were fake. And here comes the hero-sepent (must be a dude, since Medusa's a chick) gliding with vengeance. Fuhh.... kimochi warui.

3)I dreamed I ate a box of fresh strawberries and was happy about it.
Explanation: The CAKE. The Was Not Meant To BE Cake. It's because they put strawberries on it. And NO I did not eat it.

4)I've been hanging with Chib a lot lately.
Explanation: She's got less attention from her parents. They will have a new born soon. Me? Less Attention from my parents. They have Chib.

5)I suddenly remembered that I was once forced to join "Pertandingan Nasyid Antara Bahagian" with Chrys.
Explanation: The organizer knew my grandmother and we could sing. Or was it because we rajin mengaji?

6)Whenever I played random L'Arc CD Mix it always started with "The Fourth Avenue Cafe"
Explanation: What?? It's a must 'No. 1 Song'

7)I'm back to my hikikomori mode.
Explanation: Other people have other people and they don't need me.

8)My brother and I have a definite distinct of black or white persona.
Explanation: His Black is the opposite of defiant when it comes to people he loves. As for me, my white is the exact definition of blankness.

9)My SDK collection is almost complete. And I realized volume 33 and 34 are very thin and light. Must Handle with care.
Explanation: Probably economic recession or recycled paper.

10)I'm very hurt.
Explanation: . . .