Out of sight, Out of mind?

My mother usually says something like "Out of sight, out of mind" when she talks to me over the phone, especially when I am far, far, far away from home just because she doesn't want me to feel sad or homesick. She said, chanting it everyday and planting it in my head would give me positive feedback so I can actually focus on the things I should be focusing on and not be distracted by petty things like missing my cat or missing my bed or my loved ones.

NOT A POTTY ONE BUT YET ANOTHER EMO ENTRY OTZ. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
So this thing happened to me 3 days ago where it almost killed me inside. I thought it did. I've been suffocating and wrapped in this vacuum-like confusion for almost a month now. Walking on a narrow fence, thinking which side to fall to. I never dare to pull the trigger because I don't want to lose what I hold dear but somehow the other side cut loose. Without any explanation. Without telling me why. I was too shocked to think and react. I didn't know why the other side did that. We did sorta have a small argument, not even an argument I think. I stopped questioning. I finished the whole thing with just one statement "Sou...". Yup. Just "Sou..." and the other side had to justify themselves. Why... If you did not do that, the argument wouldn't have break and we would still be at peace wouldn't we?

And so the other side found the shortest solution. Just like someone I knEw from long ago who also did the same thing to me. Blocked/Deleted me from contacts. Is it me or this is ONE FAMOUS GODDAMN SOLUTION? So you think this solves everything?

I don't wanna go through this again after the first time. BUT IT REOCCURRED. Funny isn't it?? If you talk about KARMA, I never once EVER DELETED A GODDAMN SOUL in my contacts. NEVER. It makes me think that people are morons. Real people are morons and selfish being. Some people don't like to be appreciated and they probably hate it that you're being concerned, affectionate towards them. It's not troublesome. It's not annoying. It's not irritating. Only those with a stone heart would think so.

So back to, "Out of sight, out of mind". I believe my mother's theory doesn't work on me. Even when the other side is 'out of sight' they still remain in my brain. I tried suppressing it for 3 days. I cracked the shell last night. I admit that I miss the other side but there is nothing I can do about. It's up the them.

.... toriaezu Sayonara ....

WARNING: THIS POST IS FULL OF POTTY LANGUAGE. KEEP READING IF YOU FEEL BEING MINDFUCKED IS EQUALS TO EATING ICE CREAM. THANK YOU. AGAIN. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I'm currently very free from work and task. Although I may seem free everyday but trust me, I'm NEVER free. I'm always working, doing coding, cracking my head on Java shits and stored procedures. Like all the time. People see me tweeting every minute and thought all I do all day is tweet (that might be true but...), well, unlike some people, no matter how fucking busy I'm with work, I have time for everything and everybody else. And of course, I need distractions to keep me awake all afternoon. So thanks twitter, tweeples and Olympians for hangin' out with me on twitter lately. Kansha shimashita. I'm gonna be away from twitter and other social networking/im(s) for some self-reflection/realization trip (which was intercepted not too long ago, because I was a fool, and I got carried away by the thing they call fling. Trust me, it WAS the most beautiful thing until you realized that it was TOO GOOD to BE TRUE). I actually don't feel like posting anything on the blog either because I'm still in "Upset-mindfucked-used-abused-hated-unwanted-ignored" mode. This would probably be a self-centered, depressing, fugly, cruel, crappy, shitty, assholic, potty post I've ever done so far, so please... bear with me, if you're reading.. that is.

So, you must be wondering "Why?" or "What's up?" or "what the hell happened?" or shits like that. Or maybe you don't give a fuck either like most people because, my existence is like a tiny stem of dandelion's florets. There are many reasons to why I'm being like this recently. One would be being "stagnant". Stagnant in the sense of not moving at all, in whatever state of being. Be it life, cashflow, career, friendship, relationship (doesn't have to be lovers =_= it can be any relationship, family, friends, colleagues, bosses, just to name a few), environment, life (oh did i mention that already?) sigh. But that's not really the real reason to it. That's just some part of it. The things that I realized have changed in me were my state of mind(over-analyzing things), my emotion (being too fucking sensitive) and my stoicness (has gone down the gutter!)

Until a week ago, right after my birthday, I've had the shiniest soul on the planet. I was the happiest midget in the universe, I was the girl who would laugh and smile everyday for no reason at all. I was the girl who would be happy if sadness comes around ONLY by having that particular thought in mind. I was the girl who would stare at blankness just to recall the things that was said to me previous nights before. I was the girl who would sleep at 7.30pm just to stay awake from 12am til morning for that one reason alone. I was the girl who would go to work looking like a dead zombie bride but with that little cheer on my face, I looked more like a baby panda. I was that girl who slept on top of my laptop just to wait for that "POP" on my IM in the middle of the night. I was that somebody I wanted to be for the longest time. The Happy Girl.

After some time, everything faded. To me at least. Things went from warm, fuzzy, yellowish, daisies and sunshine to cold, frosty, dark blue-ish, snowy winter. I have no idea why I feel this way, but I've faced this more than a gazillion times in this 26 years. I know how it works and what to expect. Somehow, I just can't handle it anymore. Everything was too good to be true and it's like the banner you see on a sale, "For Limited Time Only".

Maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe I do over-analyze things. But I know when I'm not wanted. I just want to be told that's all. If I'm invading someone's life, I just want to be told. If I'm too close and if I made them uncomfortable, I just want to be told. I might (maybe, I'm not really sure how to put this, because, I'm not an expert in this department) 'like' the things that's been going on, and to me, it's totally misleading. I want the truth. Not cover up. No sugary layers.

I've had enough of being Athrun Zala! I've always been an Athrun to everyone. IT FUCKING SUCKS! Once in a while I want to be a Kira or a Setsuna or a Lelouch or a Luffy. I've always put everyone above me but have I been appreciated for what I've done? NO. Have I changed after I realized how damning and cruel it is for me? NO. And have I stopped putting people that I care about above me when they don't fucking care about me? NO. I have never stopped caring.


Ok. This shall end here. In the end, I'm still lost. I don't know what to do and I will keep on growing mushrooms in my bedroom until I rot. I've been so emo lately, I really don't know why.

The one thing I know for sure and the one thing I don't want to fluctuate or be stagnant is, this feeling I have towards that one particular reason. The only reason I still have to believe that everything happen for a reason and it's all good. And as much as I'm being upset with whatever that's been happening in which to that reason is nothing, but to me is something, my mind will never change.

Forgive me for being such an ass these days. For being Immature. For being Impatient. For being such a baby. For being such an annoying existence. For being irritating. For being troublesome. For not being understanding. For being a horrible person. Hontou ni gomen nasai m(_ _)m

!@#$%^&*

Do u know how it feels like being mindfucked everyday?

Try jumping off the nearest cliff.

Mom's Birthday

Today 11/28 is Mommy's birthday. O-tanjoubi omedetou, Haha-ue!! * hugs *

I woke up feeling like shit today. Not gonna lie or cover it up with sugary words. I woke up feeling like shit. There, ni dou itta. I planned to clean the house and cook for Mom today but since I wasn't really in the mood, I ALMOST decided to forget about everything and sleep in. I was on twitter for a while tweeting with my Olympians gang and yeah.. they cheer me up. So I decided "What the hell! It's your Mom's birthday for goodness' sake!" So I got up and went to get her a piece of cake, at least.

When I reached the mall, I had memory lapse. I got out of the car and stood there for a while and thought "What am I doing here?" I walked a while and went to Starbucks, got myself the usual Iced Caramel Macchiato and then I remembered the reason why I was out. To get my mom her birthday cake =_= lol! So I went to Secret Recipe and bought some carrot cake.

Instead of getting her a piece, I ended up buying a whole cake. Why? I dunno, I feel that it's more fun to blow more candles than just one! Got some pizzas too!

Mom was surprised when I knocked on her door. She was still sleeping when I carried the cake to her room and :)


Btw, I'm starting on "Norwegian Wood" and I finally finished reading "Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman" both by Murakami. Will review on this when I have the time... and I want to meet that Shinagawa Monkey so he can take my name and erase my memory. =(

Part 1: Life's Theme Songs

If I am to pick theme songs for what's been going on with my life right now, I have a few. LOL. It's like an "OST of Life" or something. Except it varies in every occasion in my daily take in life. AND it changes quarterly every year. Like, it plays in my head everytime something happens or even when nothing happen. (Oh yes, my imagination works itself to the max sometimes) Take JAWS for example. (To those who do not know what 'JAWS' is can jump off the nearest cliff). Everyone knows JAWS theme song, right?

In my case, the theme songs varies depending on my mood.
(Remember, I am from Team Decepticon, not Emoticon) LOL!

Here's a list of my current "Life OST". Hee =D

1) Cool - Gwen Stefani
The only song that could calm me down when I'm back on the fence and thinking all the "What Ifs" and whatnot. This will be in my head prior to the whole brain being occupied by... * cough * next..



2) Skip Turn Step - Wakeshima Kanon
This will play in my head when I'm extremely happy. Usually, when I think of my nieces (Chib and Kosuke) and my nephew (Ryuu-chan). Reason that is, Chib loves this song to the extend of wanting it to be played everytime she's in my car. EVERYTIME. And Kosuke loves it too. So listening to this makes me happy =)



3) Skip Turn Step (Instrumental) - Wakeshima Kanon
Well, this will play when I'm in "Hanyan~" Mode. (p/s: refer Cardcaptor Sakura Anime) And Oh.. I feel like playing the bass and violin part whenever i listen to this. I tried the violin part though. The bass part hmm... it's slow but it sounds awesome! It's the best song to listen to when u feel all "Kira kira" and "fuwa fuwa" inside. And when u feel all daisies and sunshine~ Hanyannnnn~ XD



4) Cassis - the GazettE
This is a sad song but it's a beautiful piece (for a VK band). Last year, this category was filled in by 'Kousai' by Alice Nine. Cassis only plays in my head when I'm terribly down (like.. all the time, what do u mean "ONLY PLAYS IN MY HEAD WHEN. . ." Aki?)



5) 4 in the morning - Gwen Stefani
Well, you know... all the things that happen all night long and make u stay up til 4 in the morning. The good, the bad, the wonderful, the worst, the pretty, the ugly. Mostly, what makes you happy. This song gives me strength to go on and not to call it a quit. It keeps reminding me never to give up and to hold on to it.



6) TIME CAPSULE - Last Alliance
This usually comes when I'm in "I hit rock bottom! But I know I can survive!" =_=
Sorry but no PV or mp3 for this m(_ _)m

7) When Will I See You Again - The Three Degrees
Only happens when I'm in the car; Partially-Hanyan~ XD


Will be continued...

Entropy at work: A good girl

Should post this to some weekly talent competition. LOL! THIS IS RANDOM!! Not related to anyone dead or alive. Thanks For Reading.

A good girl
by erma

A good girl will always smile to the things she adores

A good girl will know when to seek and when to ignore
A good girl will not let go easily
A good girl will pout when she misses that somebody
A good girl will do what it takes to win that someone's heart
A good girl will sulk for the reasons they had to be apart
A good girl will compromise and tolerate
A good girl will always believe in fate
A good girl will cry and then recover
A good girl will know when to say "It's over"
A good girl will nod when there is a good reason behind something
But a good girl is also a mere human being; a fragile little thing
A good girl will know when to quit, although it hurts and there is no cure to it
A good girl will know when to quietly leave, but stands tall to what she believes
Therefore a good girl needs a good man
The one she knows she wants to be with, the one who is able to withstand her, the only one who can

Long overdue...

If this post is edible and has an expiry date, I would have died by now =_= but anyways, here's the news. I've LONG completed my Samurai Deeper Kyo (English Version) manga collection! (Yeay!!! OMEDETOU!!). By the way, I had it in my hand since July. Hahah!! And nope, I haven't read it. It's still in the plastic wrap, fresh from Kinokuniya. I know what happened in the end already so I decided to keep it that way until I start reading the whole series again. ahhahah!!!

Volume 37/38:The final installment of Samurai Deeper Kyo (English version)

I'm not sure if all of you have heard of "Samurai Deeper Kyo" by Akimine Kamijyou. If you have this in mind --> "Oh. That. I watched the anime and it sucks" Well, get out of here! Please don't judge the manga by the anime. You know anime storyline is usually estranged from and not loyal to the manga. Take Fullmetal Alchemist for example. Thank God they did Brotherhood and was loyal to the manga.

Ok back to Samurai Deeper Kyo (SDK).

Image 1: Samurai Deeper Kyo Logo

This was recommended by a used-to-be-good friend of mine somebody I know years ago. Around 8-9 years ago? I too, started off by watching the anime and of course, like everybody else, it was a turn off. What kind of Samurai story has alien-like-monster in it? AND not to mention during Tokugawa era. Ok, fine if you want it that way, but I didn't like it. The story in the anime was WAAYYYYYY different from the original manga. IN the Anime, Kyo was an artificial construct, born of Kyoshiro's attempt to purge violence and cruelty from himself. Which is NOT the real story. Kyo and Kyoshiro are two different individual.

What made me go on with the anime although I said "gosh this is crap" was the character, Sanada Yukimura (真田 幸村) (voiced by "Aniki" Megumi Ogata!!). The excellent and brilliant general, infamous for his military tactics. Of course, he was awesome in the anime, the manga and in real life! lolol!! Yukimara has 10 loyal ninjas that follows him around (imperceptible in the eye of normal human being) lol! They are the Sanada 10 (Sanada Jyuyushi: 真田十勇士)

Image 2: Sanada Yukimura in the anime

So I got attracted to finding out if the manga is the same as the anime. I'm glad I did. The manga IS AWESOME. And I fell in love with most of the characters in SDK, especially the main character Demon Eyes Kyo (Onime no Kyo: 鬼眼の狂).

Image 3: Kyo doing his "Mumyo Jinpu Ryu" in the anime

This. You have to read the manga. I'm not gonna summarize the whole gd thing. This is marketing strategy people! Buy the tankoubon!! All I can say is this manga is awesome. Although it's an old series, I've read it about 12 times because I just love the art, the story line and the ending.

Image 4: Kyo and the gang

Like I said. I read it 12 times. Hope that triggered your curiousity. hahaha!! By the way, Kamijyo-sensei is also the author for Code:Breaker and Shirogane no Karasu. So, Read This People!!

Warning: If you haven't watch the anime or read the manga, PLEASE GET YOURSELF AWAY FROM THE ANIME. And enjoy the manga to the fullest! Thanks! :D