Should I call it... 'Over' ?

I have limits too. That I admit. Usually I'm not a patient person. After a week, I would probably murmur curses under my breath and then shuts every possible way of contacts. But Fate is always being mean to me. Maybe it's not Fate. Maybe my book of life is written like this: "Akira is to be ignored by any guy she may like " It's crazy isn't it? It's like I'm cursed and I'm not kidding. I am hurt.

I've been contemplating to destroy this stupid 'castle in the sky'. Who said I didn't like it? The actual fact goes something like "I love it too much I can't stand the fact that it's unreal". Why does this always happen to me? Aphrodite hates me that much? Did I offend cupid in some way I didn't realize? And why must it happen to me consequently? Look. I really like this dude and I've been through a lot this year. Why can't it be simple? Of course, if it's simple. It's not LIFE.

Maybe this isn't working. I've heard stories, tales, whatever from so many people. About being patient and things will work accordingly. But how can it work, if I'm the only one who actually thinks there's something there and when the other party thinks non-living things are more important than me. I've had enough of guys treating me like that. It makes me plant wrong thoughts like "MEN ARE MORONS", "BOYS ARE JERKS" kinda thing.

T_________________T

Enough ranting. I'm a broken glass today. I'm broken everytime I see him around talking to others and ignoring me.

Fidelity

The 4 days away from the world was a total failure. =_= My part that is, but it seems like the world has no problem turning its back on me. * shrugs * So I consider myself on an "Under Construction" situation. I'm still seeking the right answer to all the questions that are in my head right now. Some I do know the answers, but I'm a weak little bastard (ain't never calling myself a bitch and I'm not a bastard so that doesn't count either) who is always in denial (see, not calling myself a bitch and stating 'bastard' makes the fact of being in denial clearer) O_O

So my mind has been in a mess lately. Ever since I'm sorta 'involving' myself with the thing called 'feelings' * barf * which I NEVER had. I repeat that;"NEVER". Well, if that is what they call 'feelings' well so be it. Come on, everyone knows Aki IS Stoic. I live accordingly to the thing called logic. And that's a fact. So I found out that I kinda... er ... am sorta (ok, I'm also thinking of how to actually 'express' or 'explain' this) got 'attached'(?) with some sort of a 'fiber-optic involvement'(?) no. Involvement is not the word. (still in denial eh?) Ok so I like somebody. There! I said it (with a strike-through). LIKE here refers to the type that makes u go gaga over everything. LOL!!!

I'm not sure if this thing is allowed. I'm not if I'm allowed to 'feel'. I mean. God gives us options. It really depends on us human. If i take it as positive as possible, will this be the right thing to do? Should I continue with having the thing they call 'feelings' which is currently intangible due to the fact that it's not physically possible and clearly not in front of my eyes? And the fact that I'm not sure what the other party is thinking because well, some people can change like the weather. Will I be able to live like this, when I keep hurting myself everyday and the fact that I actually am too close to this person would probably make this person feels like I'm invading their life? What am I to do then when I already know that somehow, this could be impossible?

I never liked anyone fully. I always do it halfheartedly because my 'logic' says "Hurt than be hurt". It seems like now, I'm having the reverse effect of my own logic. And fuck, it hurts like hell. I'm definitely contemplating this. I've been thinking about it. I either should stop the whole stabbing-the-heart-parade. OR. I could wait. If I wait, how much time can I give myself? Please God. I need an answer. T____T Well, truth be told. HE already did show me signs. I just need to be patient, that's all.

Part 1: Random Entry - Early bird

Woke up pretty early on a public holiday =_=. I planned to go to Starbucks but I was a bit too lazy to drive out. Oh, and Starbucks around this area only opens at 10AM. Besides, not waking up on my own bed makes my day a bit, off? hahaha... I'm currently trying to "getaway from the world" in which, I obviously failed flawlessly last night. The whole reason of "putting everything in a jar for a while" was to get my mind away from what I think distracts me or what I would simply say "dragged me out of my normal pace". Before I finally cut the connection with the world last night (which again, I failed tremendously) I was simply putting my fate on the fence, as I usually do. I prayed hard that if what I did was the right thing that God would simply give a simple sign, at least try to make a blockhead like me understand that everything happens for a reason. And that everything that comes from Him are good, and the bad are simply from the weaker being like us.

Well, as far as things went last night, God did show me a huge sign of which I think is quite obvious for me to actually accept it as something good. I can't put it in words, but I'm pretty happy with the outcome. I woke up happy this morning (except for the backache from sharing a bed with my niece and then moving to the floor and then up the bed again). I used to say i feel "pink" which to me resembles the joyful aura but now, I feel "YELLOW" <3 because Yellow makes me happy and Yellow is sunshine =)

What Athrun Zala and I have in common

What is the most disturbing thing that bothers you in your entire life?

This is probably a general question. If you think it's boring, then stop reading. I'm sure everyone has their own odd answers with very odd but good reasons to what they are about to come up with. As for me, I find this one particular thing very disturbing. It hurts me entirely and I'm sure for me this is the only thing I (or maybe everyone) want to avoid of being or treated as. The one thing that bothers me the most in life is being a deuteragonist.

Although I'm not the type that really works her ass off to be the first in everything, at least to some people and some things which I think is important to me, I want to be first among others. Born in a small family as a SECOND child (also the youngest) doesn't give me any priority at all to being the first. As sad as how the story will go (oh gosh, here comes the emo Aki) being who and where I am today, doesn't change the fact that I am STILL, at least if not, the second in everything.

My brother, Kuro-nii is the first born son in the family. The first grandson. The first to get married. The first to have kids. The first to have the FIRST born son. Sigh. Ok, so that's how his book of life is written. Everyone should be happy about it right? And as for me, I do have some "First" of my own, which also contributed to some of the success stories in the family, but of course, it's not as significant. More like a "meh..." * shrugs * and the things that I achieved, will be seconded by others. And these clones actually did better, well, maybe close to it but not better.

As a normal human being who is self-conscious about everything and of the surroundings, I sometimes, no, most of the time, compare myself to almost everything and everyone. Some think, this is normal and healthy but we work our mind to the furthest extend. One can never be satisfied with what they have. So, I usually compare myself (or the love my parents give) to what my brother (and his family) receive. For example, Mom sometimes mistaken my sports day to Kuro-nii's. He did outshines everyone on the track and he was the "BEST" runner in both primary and secondary school. He always got FIRST in class. Unlike me, I don't run. I jump. The only sport I participated in primary school was long jump. And I got... THIRD. And Mom said, "Abang not only ran in school, I think he did long jump too". Well, he never did long jump. He only RUNS, MOM. =_= Sometimes, the smallest thing ruined my castle in the sky. Which made me come to the conclusion of not being loved by Mom and Dad. Okay, I know that sounded pathetic.

So, when I was in a relationship, I was also being treated as secondary to other things. Like WORK, for example. Did you know how much that hurts, to be compared to things. Intangible things. Also, to be forgotten.What of all the things and time I have sacrificed? (I'm gonna skip this part. I'm tearing up T___T)

I am not a good person and that's a fact. And I've always wanted to improve myself and not be stagnant. I am also human and fragile inside as a matter of fact. (I may be grunge on the outside. haha) So, I never dreamed of being the heroine in any movie or drama or anime or manga. I just want to be remembered. For who I am. For what I did. For what I have given. For some things and for some people that I adore, I just wish to be that one thing that at least to the point of importance, if not primary. But never a secondary below other things.

Things people take to the furthest extend

I remember way back before we have all these social networking sites and Internet was not as amusing as now, the only way people bitch about others was to gossip privately among a group. Hahahaha! If they have guts, they would write them a letter (very high school-like * rolled eyes *) and bitch about them in there. And if they have bigger guts, they would definitely face them on and well.. catfight!

Since there are things like mySpace, Friendster and Facebook, we can see that many fights/quarrels/lawsuits break just because one can't stand the other just by reading status posted on each other's wall. A friend began to call it FaceBITCH instead, because that's where people bitch about each other PUBLICLY most of the time nowadays. So many virtual crimes happened from these social networking sites. People may intentionally or unintentionally posted things that could offend others in so many ways. Of course, nobody's pointing fingers at anyone, but since these social networking sites aren't controllable and the Internet are uncontrollable and humans are well.. never will be controllable, what can be done?

If you read the newspaper daily, you would at least come to at least one news about fraudulent especially the ones from the Internet. One which involve social networking site are mostly about Women and Men who seek for attention to fulfill desire (whatever desire it is, I'm not gonna go further explaining these stupid things). There was this one case I read (on the newspaper, of course) about this one lady who offer sex service for beasts men who are interested or more like desperate. (According to the report on the newspaper) On her profile, she posted sexy alluring photos of her i mean of "her" to attract customers. From the newspaper, a cover-baik-punya-pervert dude said, he was trying to trap the girl by asking her to meet him for service. He even bargain with her about the price and then banked-in some cash to her account. He then went to the place they were supposed to meet but she didn't show up. (Seriously, who would fall for that kind of trick? Maybe the cover-baik-punya-pervert dude who was trying to trap her was too ugly). Anyway, turned out that the "babe" that offered the service was well.. a big size attention seeker who really has nothing to do except trick perverted guys who also has nothing to do because both have nothing to do except abuse the good use of Internet. Why would anyone, do such a thing? For money? For attention? And then? Is it satisfying? Is it good to trick perverts, I mean people? We were given all these facilities not to do stupid things (yeah.. I like to use the word stupid because I'm trying not to swear too much) like these morons? Have your parents not teach you about manners?

That's one case. There are plenty more out there which are outrageously, beyond what you call, normal thinking. Another one which also caught my attention (because some people are born with their brain on their xxx) are the ones where two people met online, online dating, met each other (or not) and then the guy/girl has huge corporation and then he/she went traveling, then was mugged, then asked for money because he/she need to see clients and pay whatever shit. And because of foolishness love, they would do anything where they would bank in the large amount of money into the "significant other"'s account and then in the end, they never hear from them again. (OK. that was long) Again, what's wrong with these people? I mean, not everyone's like me. Ignorant, stoic, indifferent. Right. Let's not start. But still, how can so many, seriously THAT MANY women especially, get fooled by people you don't see physically? First of all, how can you be in a relationship with people you can't physically see, touch? * shook head *

Speaking of the things that can offend people intentionally/ unintentionally. Lately, they have been soooo many cases where people love to write offensive things on their profile. Things that emit racism for example. People would say this race is better than this. Or stuff like that. But think about it, when you say it like that, does that make YOU a better person? Why can't people see each other as human? We are mere creation of God. Why can't people stop labeling people?

There are just some random thoughts I have for today. =_=" But I'm just too sleepy to continue and I wanna watch my Anime. XD
Besides, I don't really like to talk shit about other people. I'm just making a general opinion.
Until then.

The sky isn't friendly today

I feel so dead. If I'm not sane (in which I'm almost at the limit) I would have just slit my wrist and die horribly and let my soul be damned eternally. Thank God, I have that 1% sanity left in me before I do something stupid like jumping off the 26th floor of my apartment or something like that. Sigh... you must be wondering "Why the solemn, deadly, suicidal talk?!" Don't worry, I won't do it. I don't have the guts to do it. Trust me.

I'm wrapped in despair. I think my brain is melting. My heart has gone dark. I'm lost.


. . . . .

Selfish brats should go home and cry to their mamas

I totally hate it! You know, when you treat people nicely, yet they still talk shit about you. Like complain about you to every single person they know (and you know) . It's just crap. How can such human being exist? After all you did (without asking for anything in return) they still talk like f*ck about you to others. Seriously, this type of people should go jump off a cliff or something.

This one person, I know all my life, likes.. no.. love to do these kind of things to me. So, I decided to never be nice to this person anymore. I don't care anymore that this person complain, talk shit, made me sounded like an evil witch to everyone in this world. I totally don't care anymore. I hope this person will leave me alone soon. (I know, soon is very soon) And I can't wait.